Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We live in a world in which politics has replaced philosophy.

   Dropping the fish I had for lunch off at the pond

   There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman. - Groundskeeper Willie

   I have an oven with a 'stop time' button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in case...

   I just tricked a vegan into reading "Chicken Soup for the Soul"

   Its my day to protect and Serve. Protecting the donuts and serving the coffee is my specialty.

   I am now home from what would have been a hard day had I done any work

   Mmmmm..ice cream sandwiches....i feel like such a tool though after chasing the ice cream truck screaming "wait, ice cream man"!

   think wisely before you open ur mouth!!

   lying on lawn, waiting for Google Earth to take a photo of him.

   Never end a sentence with a preposition. Incorrect: Thongs crack me up. Correct: Thongs up me crack.

   Less work. More aholic.

   My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!

   Heigh ho! Heigh ho! It's Off to the Bar I go.."

   stephen hawking may be a genius, but he is not setting much of an example to kids by just sitting at his computer all day

   I'm 31 years old and never married. How come it seems like every married person I know wishes their marriage license has an expiration date?

   still has a crush on Winnie Cooper.

   When i'm good, i'm good. When i'm BAD, i'm the best!!!

   How do I always end up stalking people on Facebook that I don't even know...

   when you are single,all you see r happy couples.............when you r commited,all you see r happy singles. :))