Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   everybody was working tonight, so I was forced to go to dinner with my parents! but wait, thats not the worst part. Upon arrival, they informed me that they would be drinking and only brought me to drive them home! fml

   The man on a date always wonders if he'll get lucky but te woman already knows

   I checked out a dating site. That famous "ugly stick" sure has been busy.

   Who needs a ladder, when you have a chair...and some toes.

   Heigh ho! Heigh ho! It's Off to the Bar I go.."

   stephen hawking may be a genius, but he is not setting much of an example to kids by just sitting at his computer all day

   I'm 31 years old and never married. How come it seems like every married person I know wishes their marriage license has an expiration date?

   still has a crush on Winnie Cooper.

   When i'm good, i'm good. When i'm BAD, i'm the best!!!

   How do I always end up stalking people on Facebook that I don't even know...

   decided to live forever ..................... or die in the attempt.

   Hangovers: the wrath of grapes.

   when you are single,all you see r happy couples.............when you r commited,all you see r happy singles. :))

   dances with the devil in the pale moon light.

   didn't say you were a girl all I said was you look like Justin Beiber.

   My Hamster has a developed an issue. He slides money out of my wallet and eats it. Seriously! $40 this week, so far. Renaming him "Government".

   I tried, I really did. I threw my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn't care. It's not working!

   Just woke up, took the Lemon out of his mouth, removed the belt from around his neck and headed into work.

   wishes the government would take pennies out of circulation already. Giving you my 2 cents everytime you've said or done something stupid has left me broke. Glad you're rich though.

   I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.