Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 4402 of 6446

I'm not an alcoholic. I can stop drinking any time I've got no money.

They say not to text and drive, but I still feel totally fine after two texts
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06-29-2012 19:49
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The best way to get over your ex? Get under someone else!
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04-25-2012 21:17 by BEGO
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You were all the elite sperm in an ejaculation. So, please, do not doubt yourselves - you are awesome!
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05-13-2012 22:22
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it's very important to exercise as we get older. my uncle started walking 5 miles a day when he was 65. today he's 90 and we haven't a sweet jesus clue where he is.
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05-15-2012 18:57
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So you discovered your best angle when you take pictures... You lil model you, hardly recognized you! In real life!
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05-18-2012 08:36
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I know 3 facts about you: 1.You can't say ‘M' without your lips touching. 2.You're trying it now looking like an idiot. 3.Now you're smiling.

The morbidly obese make the best roll models.
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05-30-2012 21:22
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This Crest 3d whitening toothpaste didn't come with the glasses.
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10-14-2011 18:59
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Instead of Hooters, they should call it "Flat-Chesters."

before you post a tready status update about something like..I don't know....11:11 on 11/11/11 look to see if other people posted about it. If they did, its not original and don't bother.
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11-11-2011 11:58
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I do because I can. I will because I am able. I give because I've been given. Just a few reasons I love to 69. ;)

everybody was working tonight, so I was forced to go to dinner with my parents! but wait, thats not the worst part. Upon arrival, they informed me that they would be drinking and only brought me to drive them home! fml
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01-03-2011 20:19
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The man on a date always wonders if he'll get lucky but te woman already knows
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01-07-2011 00:18
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I checked out a dating site. That famous "ugly stick" sure has been busy.
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01-19-2011 20:26
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Who needs a ladder, when you have a chair...and some toes.

Heigh ho! Heigh ho! It's Off to the Bar I go.."

stephen hawking may be a genius, but he is not setting much of an example to kids by just sitting at his computer all day
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09-15-2010 06:58 by alphabits
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I'm 31 years old and never married. How come it seems like every married person I know wishes their marriage license has an expiration date?

still has a crush on Winnie Cooper.
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09-29-2010 18:47
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