Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My forearm tattoo is just this Pringles can I cant get off my arm.

   Just...sitting...thinking...planning my next move to get that new roll of toilet paper about 5 feet away from me.

   I remember my first beer.....Ah, who I am kidding....I was too drunk to remember. Plus I was like 12 so...

   I could make a rap video, but instead of cash I'd be surrounded by stacks of Taco Bell napkins

   Why does my car want my ears to explode when I open a back window?

   Holy shit, I just found out time travel is possible. You can go to 2004 by just following this link: www.myspace.com

   Sexually molesting the wall while looking for the light switch.

   On a scale of 1 to Mother-in-law How annoying are you?

   How do women think without a pen*s?

   Taken 27 coming to theaters in January 2029.

   My dream job is to drive Karma's bus.

   *Jesus sits down at the bar* "The boss says we have to start charging you for water"

   He held my hair back for me while I vomited in my driveway last night and I repaid him by farting mid-heave. He's a keeper!!!

   ..... WOW ..... I just found my pet rock my father gave me back in the 70's ...... Amazingly enough it was STILL ALIVE!!!

   I will never understand deer....napping beside the highway. Very dangerous!

   I suggest the Jets put Tim Tebow at cornerback to replace Darrell Revis. Nobody can keep the football away from receivers like he can.

   So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn't for throwing at people who stress you out?

   That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill a cat.

   I had to tell my patient I'd dreadfully messed up his plastic surgery. I'll never forget the look on his elbow.

   A slut on Facebook who used to post semi-nude pics of herself has just posted a bible verse. There is hope and redemption for everyone after all.