Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you sling enough poop against the wall, eventually some will stick...Lil-David, snotty, stoner dudee and a few others...

   If you ever jammed to Unskinny Bop, you really can't complain about todays music...

   2014. Yep, nothing's changed. The good people are still good. The bad people are still bad. The smart people are still smart. The slow people are still slow...and the assh0les are still assh0les.

   I cut my thunb and am texting with my index finger. Can I get one of those special license plates?

   More snitches will be able to afford stitches under ObamaCare.

   to all of you Virgins, thanks for nothing.

   Just ate 3 tennis balls by mistake,,,, frig you Pringle's.

   When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

   How do women think without a pen*s?

   Taken 27 coming to theaters in January 2029.

   My dream job is to drive Karma's bus.

   *Jesus sits down at the bar* "The boss says we have to start charging you for water"

   This big soccer contest thingy has been going on for a month and forever and not one riot yet? C'mon, hooligans! You're letting me down...

   it still considered premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married?

   My forearm tattoo is just this Pringles can I cant get off my arm.

   Just...sitting...thinking...planning my next move to get that new roll of toilet paper about 5 feet away from me.

   I remember my first beer.....Ah, who I am kidding....I was too drunk to remember. Plus I was like 12 so...

   I could make a rap video, but instead of cash I'd be surrounded by stacks of Taco Bell napkins

   Why does my car want my ears to explode when I open a back window?

   He held my hair back for me while I vomited in my driveway last night and I repaid him by farting mid-heave. He's a keeper!!!