Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All stick figure people are black and all of the family stickers on peoples cars are white

   I can't believe I was late for work tomorrow.

   It was so cute when you called me last night... LOL JK, don`t you ever interrupt my sleep again.

   Fat Tuesday, the day obese people look forward to. The day they think it's socially acceptable to wear leggings and belly shirts. It's not.

   Welcome to the Betty Ford Clinic, my name is Charlie and I'll be your bartender for the evening. What'll ya have?

   My mates a transvestite - He likes to eat, drink and be Mary

   If men can go around joggin shirtless... I believe "SOME" women should be able to do the same as well!

   My friend said, "I don't like Budweiser or Coors, I only drink Corona." And I said, "I'm like a beer slut, I drink anything."

   "I wasn't that drunk" 'Dude, you were in my closet yelling "Where's Narnia"

   as "Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract" (WINE), "Radioactive UnWORK Medicine"(RUM), "Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter"(BEER) or "Vaccine Official Depression Killing Antigen"(VODKA). Please re-post to raise awareness."

   I like watching hoarders...it makes my house look clean

   Facebook Skype: now married people can cheat via Skype while watering their crops on FarmVille.

   What's the difference between a water bottle and puberty? A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber.

   speedwalks everywhere, and is afraid of toilets…the two are not related...really...

   checked in to a hotel and I asked if the porn channels could be disabled…She replied “Sick-o”!!!

   I always ask myself WWJDD? (What Would Johnny Depp Do?) That seems to work for me.

   I saw on the television today that Huggies diaper's have come out with a new Levi design.What's next, bib-overall depend's for grandpa?....

   The News Feed sure does have a lot of sales on Spam Jordans and Nike shoes.

   I'm not a fan of Donald Trump, but I won't denigrate those who are....and for those that are Donald Trump fans, denigrate means to "put down."

   If Joseph was black. Mary: I’m pregnant… Joseph: It’s not mine. Mary: That’s what I’m trying to tell you.