Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Both of these candidates belong behind bars. One in a zoo, the other in prison.

   what idiot called them pregnant women and not bodybuilders

   If Beyonce with all her beauty, talent and money can get cheated on, what chance you you basic women have?

   In Finland when a baby is born you just throw a bunch of magnetic letters at the fridge and that's its name.

   Well, it's 2015. Where's my robot girlfriend, nerds??

   69... Some might call it nasty... I call it a romantic dinner for 2

   Of course I woke up happy.....Its Steak and a BJ day

   [a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok [a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event "Come Outside"] what tha

   If God didn't intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

   I really miss your face... between my thighs.

   WAIT BEYONCE MY LEFT OR YOUR LEFT

   "Taco Bell reminds me of my abuela's cooking when I was growing up." - said no Juan ever

   Happy National Dog Day to all da bitches.

   Date a girl who watches football with you and lets you grab her ass during commercials.

   Decaffeinated coffee is like a hooker who only wants to cuddle.

   i'm so unlucky,,, if I fell in a bucket of t!t'$ ,,,, i'd come out sucking my thumb!

   If you were at a Beatles tribute concert and you fell and hurt yourself, what would you yell?

   OK, How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

   The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it's true... time wounds all heels.

   I wanna thank my mom for being there for me when I needed money for drugs & beer.. you're the best!!