Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What idiot called it "hitting the snooze button" and not "clock blocking"?

   Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex! Now that I have your full attention, its weekend for god's sake, log off and go out there and enjoy your life dammit!

   im dying to see the americans plant a C5 up Ghadafi's candy ass and light it with a matchstick and take pics and post it up on facebook and tag me to it so that I can see the pics while feasting on a bag of potato chips

   X Why does seaworld have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, 'oh my god... I could be eating a slow learner..'. (had to correct the spelling error from the first post)

   Dotn dirnk and update Fistbook statass.

   party in my treehouse at 430

   Its peanut butter and jelly time. Minus the peanut butter, hold the jelly and with beer.

   No one ever seems to realize that when your EX says after you brake up, "The last thing I want to do is hurt you again," basically implies that there is a list and hurting you is on it.

   try to say the letter `M` without your lips touching.

   I don't get why all my drug dealers are so unreliable?

   This Sunny D tastes like I can't afford orange juice.

   Dear people that still clip your phone to your belt.......stop.

   Does February March? No, but April May.

   How did taking in refugees work for the native Americans? Dont ever forget that

   Yo Obama! I'm really happy for you, I'ma let you finish but Bush's hanging of Saddam was the best killing of all time. Of all time!!

   says I've Got Nothing Against Mohammed or Allah...It's His Fan Club I Can't Stand

   A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 150 feet, but I can only walk so fast.

   Did you know you that you don’t have to put every meal you eat on Instagram? You can just eat it.

   New FB Idea...a Middle finger button! Who's with me?...

   As an adult, I use nunchucks way less than I expected.