Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am going to open a breakfast restaurant that only serves egg white omelets, and only plays John Lennon music and I will call it “Yoke O No”

   Beyonce, Rihanna and Katy Perry sent prayers to the victims of the Oklahoma tornados. I feel like an idiot now, I only sent money.

   Men who say ''woman belong in the kitchen'', don't know what to do with them in the bedroom..!

   "That's a dent from my girlfriend's butt from when I ate her out on the hood." I said to the Insurance Agent. He just clicked his pen.

   Everything is pointing to a major worldwide economic collapse in 2013 which will cause a rise in prices, unemployment and homelessness. As a result, there will come a sharp increase gunfire, looting, burning, rape, and murder. Happy New Year!

   I'm starting to think Chris Brown is in Fight Club

   how do you call yourself WORLD champions when you play yourself?

   Will someone please put this below ret*rd out of his misery. No one should be allowed to be this stupid.

   I normally don't brag about exspensive trips but I just got back from the gas station.

   Hey protesters, while you're marching for equality for something that hasn't even happened yet, why don't you march on over the ND where Native American rights have been getting violated for over a year? Oh, it doesn't affect you. Got it.

   Dear 2016, for the love of all that's holy... Please take Rosie O'Donnell too..

   While it was predictable to imagine Trump criticizing John Lewis, it's impossible to imagine him risking his life for the rights of others.

   "A health care deal, his mouth, and his ties to Russia" - What are three things Donald Trump can't close?

   Redneck Term Of Thee Day-Wisdom: "Mah bruther had him some kidney stones, but he wisdom out!"

   Just walk up to a blonde and tell her to say "Alpha kenny Body" really fast.

   your shoes so cheap, you click'em three times and you end up in a crackhouse

   I've been dating this girl for only 2 days, and already she is complaining. She says, " When you told me you were hung like a horse, I didn't know you meant a Seahorse"

   This girl was staring at me while licking her lips and I thought to myself 'Wow! She's really flexible.'

   Dear Yahoo, I've never heard anyone say "I don't know, lets yahoo it"....Sincerely Google

   i wanted to go smoke pot, so I told my mom I was getting tutored. she asked what time I would be back, I told her learning doesn't have a curfew