Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   as a true sports fan, and not picking sides the performance of the USA Women's Soccer Team is a BIG STFU to the all the male chauvinist people out there who don't like women's sports

   Took off all the straws on my kids Capri Suns and threw them out the window on my way to work.....THUG LIFE!!

   my mother never understood the irony in calling me a "son-of-a-b*tch"

   Harry Potter made wizards cool again, Left 4 Dead made zombies cool again, The Dark Knight made superheroes cool again, Twilight made vampires uncool forever!

   Girls..You know that "amazing" man in your life? News flash...he's fooling you and you're just eating it up.

   Hey, what I do in my car at a red light is my business. Even if it technically did get all over the dashboard and the driver in the next car

   how about you jump from cloud 9 to 1, that way you can see my middle finger better !

   Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity

   If Justin Timberlake can bring sexy back, then I can bring Afros back...."This is Humidity and I approve this message"

   Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off...

   the funniest person on Facebook hands down like 6:30!

   fired her masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

   "Don't buy condoms at BP gas stations. They may burst and result in a leak..."

   - Wayne Rooney and Alex Ferguson have changed their relationship status to 'its complicated'... Manchester city 'like this'

   RIP Paul The Psychic Octopus... I wonder if he saw that one coming?

   I would like everyone to know I am almost completely rehabilitated from picking my nose while driving. :)

   it's my birthday... I'm going to treat today like a rental car, and drive it like it's stolen!

   so broke that she's going to KFC to lick other peoples fingers.

   To hell with syncing the Titanic... I named my iPhone "ass" so I could back that ass up.

   Dear Wednesday, I sincerley hate you. Your nothing compared to Friday !!