Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   9:03. North snores as Kanye sings a lullaby. Furious, Kanye claps & she jumps awake. "You think you can fall asleep during my performance?"

   Why does Ellen DeGeneres like dressing like Mr. Rogers?

   Define FREE you over-leveraged, bankrupt, healthcare inflated, morbidly obese, war monguering, globally ignorant, media slaves?

   I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: it before.

   The dallas Ebola case turned out to be a false alarm. Apparently the person had just went to Taco Bell the night before.

   Black Friday: The day you spend hundreds of dollars on possessions to celebrate the birth of a man who didn't believe in possessions.

   religion is basically believing that there's a guy who is watching over you if you give him some of your money on Sundays.

   Remember when Ronald Reagan was president, we also had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash still with us...now we have Obama and no hope and no cash

   still sore from dropping the soap

   I just bought a pack of Condoms and the cashier asked me, "Sir do you need a bag"; I replied, "Na! She ain't that ugly". :)

   If you lost $10,000.00 dollars, all hundreds, held together in a roll with a rubber band, give me a call. I found your rubber band. You just need to identify it.

   How many of you cowards would go deer hunting if the deer could shoot back?

   We get it... You don't like Obama. Quit with the Obama is like a penny sh#t. You forget every Politician is like a penny, 2 faced and worthless

   That's great and all. But the question is, can you hold that yoga pose while I'm inside you?

   My Mexican waiter put my food down in front of another white man who looked nothing like me. So I totally get it now. Oh wait that's not my waiter.

   Black Friday: That day we spend hundreds of dollars on material goods to celebrate the birth of a man who didn't believe in material goods.

   Healthcare.gov got 99 problems and glitches are all of them...

   Siri, when is Jesus coming back?

   Now showing exclusively in San Francisco, Santa Monica, Chelsea and Key West. 50 shades of g ay.

   Just found out I have tinnitus from constant exposure to rape whistles.