Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering if my bed was a circle would I still wake up on the wrong side of the bed?

   ..is so blonde,she thought a thesaurus was a dinosaur.

   How to eat an Oreo: First you twist it...... Oh it broke...

   lets play a game. I will be Burger King and you be McDonalds. I'll have it my way and you will be lovin' it!

   Jack and Jill Went up the hill to have a little fun, stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.

   I feel bad for my american friends... they only have 2 idiots to choose from in their elections...50/50 chance of getting it wrong...

   Independence Day was just a fake holiday created by the independence companies to sell more independence.

   There is a good reason why they call it XBOX ONE; You take ONE look at it and go and buy yourself a PS4!

   Quick Question: Does swimming in debt count as cardio?

   no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.

   I wish I could afford an Iphone5 like that girl in front of me in line on food stamps

   If you don't like Trump...leave the country.simple as that.

   a pocket full of sunshine.

   Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack? If not, you're wondering now. Have a nice day ..

   behind every sucessful woman der is a man staring at her ass

   Hard math problem. Studies have shown that the people who solve this usually have an IQ of 120 or more. If 2+3=10, 6+5=66, 7+9=112, 12+8=240 then.. 14+3=?

   Being a doctor who performs circumsion, I took all the foreskin tips to a taxadermist who made me a wallet. Great thing if you rub it a certain way it turns into a suitcase.

   3 main causes of war: Greed, Racism, Religion. I'll stay away from each.

   needs some more girl's phone numbers so far I have my mom's, grandma's, and aunt's.

   thinks that a decapitated Frog looks hotter than the Jonas Brothers