Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   motto of the day is: Sin, Repent, Repeat.

   people are so quick to tell a smoker that cigarettes killed their grandma. They leave out that she was 90 yrs old. Maybe that was part of the reason too.

   If you can sing Jingle Bells without jiggling your "gentleman's sausage" then you're way more mature than me.

   it's tourettes you Fu*king Dumba$$

   Plus-Sized is just a politically correct term for fat.

   ..is so blonde,she thought a thesaurus was a dinosaur.

   How to eat an Oreo: First you twist it...... Oh it broke...

   Jack and Jill Went up the hill to have a little fun, stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.

   just not the same since that house fell on my sister

   wondering if my bed was a circle would I still wake up on the wrong side of the bed?

   lets play a game. I will be Burger King and you be McDonalds. I'll have it my way and you will be lovin' it!

   I feel bad for my american friends... they only have 2 idiots to choose from in their elections...50/50 chance of getting it wrong...

   Independence Day was just a fake holiday created by the independence companies to sell more independence.

   There is a good reason why they call it XBOX ONE; You take ONE look at it and go and buy yourself a PS4!

   I wish I could afford an Iphone5 like that girl in front of me in line on food stamps

   If you don't like Trump...leave the country.simple as that.

   Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack? If not, you're wondering now. Have a nice day ..

   a pocket full of sunshine.

   Being a doctor who performs circumsion, I took all the foreskin tips to a taxadermist who made me a wallet. Great thing if you rub it a certain way it turns into a suitcase.

   3 main causes of war: Greed, Racism, Religion. I'll stay away from each.