Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ǝǝɹʇ ɐ ɯoɹɟ ƃuıƃuɐɥ sı

   Bacon is fried chicken for whyte people.

   Oprah, you don't need a purse, you need a mumu!!

   Bet if a gunman opened fire while Obama was onstage yesterday....he would use them as human shields!! Kinda like he is doing now!!

   In fairness, we've been building 'ground zeros' near Iraqi mosques since March 2003.

   How do members of Isis practice safe sex? A. They mark the camels that kick.

   If anybody slips and falls down at mid field in the second half I'm blaming the sweat that dripped from Madonna's vag.

   This holiday season, keep it green...smoke joints, not cigarettes.

   People are so concerned about having to wait to see if Trump will want a recount, but are completely forgetting Bernie's and Gore's recounts. Hillary even started the Obama "birther" movement to end his legitimacy. #hypocrites

   You never hear songs about wishing they could all be Texas girls.

   sometimes when I bleed I pretend I just had a red Gatorade and that i'm just sweating like a pro

   Oh you hate your job? Theres a support group for that, its called everybody. They meet at the bar.

   refusing to take NO for an answer, Big Ben just raped the Lombardi Trophy.

   motto of the day is: Sin, Repent, Repeat.

   people are so quick to tell a smoker that cigarettes killed their grandma. They leave out that she was 90 yrs old. Maybe that was part of the reason too.

   If you can sing Jingle Bells without jiggling your "gentleman's sausage" then you're way more mature than me.

   Plus-Sized is just a politically correct term for fat.

   it's tourettes you Fu*king Dumba$$

   just not the same since that house fell on my sister

   wondering if my bed was a circle would I still wake up on the wrong side of the bed?