Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   tired of trying, sick of crying... Yeah, sure I'm smiling, but inside I'm dying...

   If your thinking of watching...Scott Pilgrim vs. the World...Just shoot yourself in the face now and save yourself some misery.

   Does Spiderman cry every time he passes a box of Uncle Ben's rice in the supermarket?

   Guys will go to another barber and feel guilty... but cheat on their girl and go home like nothin happened

   Has anyone seen MySpace Tom on Facebook?

   WTF..Is the statue of liberty doing in my back yard...!!!

   I keep being told what to watch for in the GOP debate tonight......I checked every channel and it's not televised, Thank God.

   how did God create day and night on day 1 but created the sun on day 4?

   This year, I'm takin' candy from kids who have the most, to give to the kids too lazy to trick-or-treat themselves. Happy Obamaween. Merica.

   moving to the USA as their gas prices are over $5 per gallon cheaper than anywhere else in the world!

   not a gynecologist but I can take a look at it

   "Babe is it in?" "Yeah" "Is it hurting?" "Uh-huuh" "Let me put it in slowly" "It still hurts!" "Ok let's try another shoe size"

   Women are like Parking spaces.. all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped!! :)

   If my girlfriend had a little plasma on her forehead with a football game on, I'd always give her my undivided attention.

   How to you piss off a archeologist? Hand them a tampon and ask them what period it's from.

   Female Black Widow spiders kill and eat their mate after mating...ya know, I think those bugs are really on to something! :)

   Tim Tebow just signed a 36 million dollar life long contract with kleenex!

   One good thing about music. When it hits you, you feel no pain.

   Are both your parents retarded? Because you seem very special?

   got so bored that I decided to take a crap for no reason