Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   would give his right arm to be ambidexious

   Fat chicks and mopeds. Both fun to ride until your friends find out.

   This whole rescue could have been avoided if he just stayed in his vehicle. He should have called it in and waited for ems to arrive.

   So....Apparently putting toothpaste on your ass....DOES NOT stop you from being raped in prison.....so much for complete cavity protection!

   Men who shave their arms, legs and/or chest probably shave their v@ginas as well.

   ''If he doesn't hit you, he doesn't love you.'' - Rihanna

   ghetto word of the day dictate ......that hoe say my dictate good

   Here's a thought. Let's get up a petition to have CNN classifed as a Hate Group.

   will write you a love song unlike that Sara Bareilles b**ch

   When asked what the Indians called America before the white man came, an Indian said simply, "Ours."

   Wonders why eleven isn't just onety-one...

   the United states just became worse

   A Democrat was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She said 'go ahead ask me, I know'em all.' Her friend said "ok what's the capital of Wisconsin?' She said 'Oh that's an easy one....it's "W"

   BBC NEWS: Five year investigation ends. Vatican accused of laundering money. What is this world coming to? Next thing you know, you will be telling me they molest little boys too! *

   The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

   Cops got new drunk driving tests. There’s one they pull out a wallet-size photo of Nancy pelosi & ask you, ‘Is she attractive?’

   I'd like to drink less alcohol but I don't want to murder my family with a hammer.

   Reminder: National Atheist's Day April 1st.......

   Turtles are the easiest animals to pee on.

   - I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. "Alright, get in the basket"