Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today I watched Sean Spicer try to defend his boss's ridiculous positions. Later I saw a moose lick his own junk for five minutes. I'm not sure whether Spicer or the moose acted with more shamelessness.

   I need to lose weight. Baskin-Robbins just called my mom and told her because of me they're down to only 5 flavors.

   The hardest working position in the White House is Donald Trump's belt.

   I can't be the only one who is concernd about the White House burning down if all of Donald Trump's pants catch fire. Not only does he have a lot of pants, but they are yuuuuge pants.

   A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly. Suddenly, Lorraine dies. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, “I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone.”

   Obama did so much for blacks, More free food and more free housing. Just what your fat white baby momma wanted.

   Poll: 19% believe Trump told truth re Obama wiretapping him. That, ladies & gents, is the core. 1 of 5 will believe anything Trump says.

   Those predictions of Trump starting a war to deflect Russia issues AND gain more power are coming true.

   Spicer, Nunes, Conway and Trump. These are the biggest jokes ever.

   Trump will make tremendous deals, incredible deals, as long as he doesn't face yuuuuuge obstacles like a large GOP majority in the House.

   People sometimes confuse deal-making skills with having enough money to bully the little guys into doing what you want.

   Devin Nunes is also sorry: 1) He told your abusive husband where you were hiding. 2) You were born poor. 3) He didn't ask Vlad for more cash.

   Who needs health insurance when this current administration makes you want to die every half hour on the hour?

   Melania better drink a lot of coffee and water today, because it will take several minutes of getting peed on to help the Donald recover from this blow.

   Note to self - playing the Trump card isn't as effective when the Trump is a joker.

   I met a woman on a date last night , and I don't think it'll work out , she said she's a weekend heroin user. If she can't commit to Heroin, what kind of wife material is she really ?

   Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn't do anything I just make really poor life choices.

   I never calculate a risk before I take it.

   How we'll truly know when the economy has rebounded: When Reggae bands go back to hiring guys whose only job it is to dance.

   I miss the days when microwave espionage was the dumbest thing this administration had to say.