Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Unable to purchase McGregor`s Proper Twelve Whiskey from his website, says he is currently tapped out.

   Don't you hate it when you think you see a good parking spot but then you turn the corner and Stuart f@&k!Ng little is parked there.

   instead of talking about who people whould vote for, maybe gef off social media and actually go put and vote if you want change

   Drink beer while you can still afford it.

   this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed dummycrat loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

   Light travels faster then sound. This is why some people appear bright untill you hear them speak.

   My heart goes out to families of those who lost their lives at the Travis Scott concert. It must be terrible to find out that your kids were into rap music.

   My wife clips coupons to help save us money. She keeps them in her $300 Coach purse.

   The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

   I want to play a video game but there's no channel 3 on my computer. That's how old I am.

   I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.

   What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?

   I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

   Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.

   To All Those Who Received a Book from Me as a Christmas Present....They are Due Back at the Library Today

   Men pick their favorite sports team when they are like 11 and let it make them upset for the rest of their life.

   eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.

   6:00] This edible is never going to hit. [6:20] *stirring my Root beer with a fork* [6:50] I'm a fork and I'm drowning !!

   Unless the car you are driving is a Lamborghini Murcielago, then, no, your other car is not the Batmobile.

   I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.