Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bought a pair of underwear today. In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’. In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.

   a good feeling: to wake up in the morning and realizing you have 5 more hours to sleep.

   Make a decision; right or wrong. The roads are paved with squirrels that couldn't make up their minds.

   Ah, yes...what lovely blouse shall I stain with food today?

   Your belly button is just a mouth that you don't use anymore.

   idiot at the gym today.. He had a bottle of water in the Pringles can holder on the treadmill.. Freaking loser.

   It's so adorable how badgers and foxes take little naps at the side of the road all the time!

   I'm sorry to say, but all the Canadians in the game 2 basketball finals out-patriot us big time. I'm hanging my head in shame.

   I asked "Alexa, what do women want" This thing havent shut up for three days now

   Two touchdowns for the US Women's team...too bad they missed that second extra point

   Whoever designed my new phone that uses power to light up, beep and shake on and off for 15 minutes or so before it dies should be fired.

   Relationship Status? Facebook going down today was the first thing to go down on me in years

   This Summer, live a little and drop an unwrapped Baby Ruth candy bar in someone’s swimming pool.

   If I ever choke to death eating these gummy bears will one of you please do me a favor and just post on my wall "He was killed by bears!" and just leave it at that.

   Congratulations to #FACEAPP for making eleventy billion dollars in 24 hours by making us look older on purpose.

   I collect memes like kids collect Pokemon cards. any good memes you want to trade?

   The secret to contentment: my unmatched socks don't care into what dimension their partners were sent by the dryer. They just wish them well.

   Shout out to the guy in the Beamer who gave me the finger for honking and waving at him. Your cell phone is on the roof of your car!

   have you noticed ..not a single girl used face app

   Trying a store brand version of Frosted Flakes which I just have to say are GRRRRRRRRRoss!