Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I asked "Alexa, what do women want" This thing havent shut up for three days now

   Two touchdowns for the US Women's team...too bad they missed that second extra point

   Whoever designed my new phone that uses power to light up, beep and shake on and off for 15 minutes or so before it dies should be fired.

   Relationship Status? Facebook going down today was the first thing to go down on me in years

   This Summer, live a little and drop an unwrapped Baby Ruth candy bar in someone’s swimming pool.

   If I ever choke to death eating these gummy bears will one of you please do me a favor and just post on my wall "He was killed by bears!" and just leave it at that.

   Congratulations to #FACEAPP for making eleventy billion dollars in 24 hours by making us look older on purpose.

   I collect memes like kids collect Pokemon cards. any good memes you want to trade?

   The secret to contentment: my unmatched socks don't care into what dimension their partners were sent by the dryer. They just wish them well.

   Shout out to the guy in the Beamer who gave me the finger for honking and waving at him. Your cell phone is on the roof of your car!

   have you noticed ..not a single girl used face app

   Trying a store brand version of Frosted Flakes which I just have to say are GRRRRRRRRRoss!

   There's a good NOVA documentary on Netflix about black holes that will just suck you in.

   "Woah woah hey woah" [me attempting to breakup a fight]

   Not Smoking anymore. I Put My Food In The Microwave And Entered My Pin Number

   parents nowadays: video games are too violent parents from history times: c'mon kids, let's go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!

   My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me. If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

   me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into prison guard: no talking after lights out

   For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.

   "My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college" #SpoiledKidsComplaints