Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   therapist: what's your biggest fear me: ghost chameleons bc they have therapist: [gasps] double invisibility

   [School Bus Driver Interview] INTERVIEWER: What's your greatest weakness? GREEN LANTERN: {Don't say the color yellow} Um...children

   Modern video games are giving kids unrealistic standards of how many swords they can carry at one time.

   If I’m ever on Jeopardy I hope the final category isn’t “Can You Tell These Mumford & Sons Songs Apart.”

   Whenever Adobe Flash tells me to update I download and install an even older version, that's MY revolution

   Sometimes I just can’t believe I am an adult with normal things like a mortgage, a job, and an overwhelming desire to drive off a cliff.

   I'll sleep when my iPhone's dead.

   Glad I'm not Spiderman cause I'd probably just make lots of web hammocks and take lots of naps.

   Psychos who stop at roundabouts when there’s no one coming; stop. I mean go.

   When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.

   *at psychic reading* Psychic: you probably think you're wasting your time Me: Ooh you're good

   its never too late to go back to bed.

   Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children. Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.

   My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him "I love you so much that you're the 2nd most loved thing in my life." Aww, I thought, she's still mama's little girl. Then she finished her whisper with "But spaghetti is my favorite thing."

   Instead of a tweet up, I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains You know... A Couples Retweet

   I don't have a nervous system. I *am* a nervous system.

   I used to be a hipster, before it became trendy.

   If you don't hold your breath when the microwave is counting down we can't be friends

   [scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock] scooby: RIVORCE???

   *first day as an accountant* me: so where are the ants?