Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a girl says "Aw that's that's very sweet of you" to a male friend who asks her out on a date what she's really trying to say is "Back into the friends zone with you!"

   Please let me complain about my dry throat without you offering to lubricate it.

   I always confuse actresses Meryl Streep and Glenn Close. They both look like men but only one has the appropriate first name.

   I guess I shouldn't have used Comet® to wash my car. I've been working on it for an hour and I've only begun to scratch the surface.

   Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?

   am I watching The Weather Channel or Game of Thrones? it looks like winter is coming

   Breast are proof that men can concentrate on two things at the same time.

   someone from Egypt sent me an e-mail asking me to wire them money. I think it was a pyramid scheme

   I wonder whatever happened to Rick Astley? He said he was never going give us up but he seems to have let us down. I'm hurt.

   it just me, or does anybody else start singing The Clash when you see the "Lock the taskbar" command on your desktop?

   I was waiting for a call last night so I put my phone under my pillow, woke up this morning - phone was gone and $1 was in its place...damn tooth fairy....

   These teams were playing like they know whoever wins goes to the white house

   When people on Facebook ask a stupid question, and then say "Go!"...that's usually what I do...I GO!...Ain't none of us got time to stick around and answer your rhetorical questions..it's probaby time for you to get a companion pet.

   For a ski team, these guys in the 7-11 sure have a lot of guns!

   They shouldn't have named it a baggage carousel if they didn't want me to ride it.

   People should be tested for emissions. They’re exhausting.

   If you’re single and starting to feel a little sad about Valentines day just remember that Saint Valentine was beaten, thrown in prison then beheaded and all candy will be 50% off the next day.

   Just helping someone find the chocolates I ate yesterday!

   Back in the day, kids drank and smoked pot behind their parents back, now they get vaccinated...

   Happy Alentine's Ay for those of you not getting the V or the D today!