Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is there a permanent setting on my iron ?

   In 1984 a light aircraft killed a jogger while making an emergency landing on a South Carolina beach.. which is why I don't jog!!

   Bakers, your technical challenge for today will be the classic American style marijuana brownie. Paul would like for you to each bake 96 dozen and they must look good!

   Kevin McCallister's parents has to be the most dimwitted parents ever not to realize that Buzz is the cause of their family's problems.

   In China, an animal trainer taught his monkeys Kung fu — and then they attacked him using his best kung fu moves. Luckily, they were no match for the parrot he’d taught to fire a gun.

   Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet. My 4 y/o: I don't have any other feet.

   I should ask all of my exe's on a scale of 1-10 how good of a boyfriend I was...and then totally ignore anyone who doesn't say 10 cause I cant stand liars

   When a girl says "Aw that's that's very sweet of you" to a male friend who asks her out on a date what she's really trying to say is "Back into the friends zone with you!"

   Please let me complain about my dry throat without you offering to lubricate it.

   I always confuse actresses Meryl Streep and Glenn Close. They both look like men but only one has the appropriate first name.

   I guess I shouldn't have used Comet® to wash my car. I've been working on it for an hour and I've only begun to scratch the surface.

   Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?

   am I watching The Weather Channel or Game of Thrones? it looks like winter is coming

   Breast are proof that men can concentrate on two things at the same time.

   someone from Egypt sent me an e-mail asking me to wire them money. I think it was a pyramid scheme

   I wonder whatever happened to Rick Astley? He said he was never going give us up but he seems to have let us down. I'm hurt.

   it just me, or does anybody else start singing The Clash when you see the "Lock the taskbar" command on your desktop?

   I was waiting for a call last night so I put my phone under my pillow, woke up this morning - phone was gone and $1 was in its place...damn tooth fairy....

   These teams were playing like they know whoever wins goes to the white house

   Super bowl sunday is now also known as Janet Jackson appreciation day.