Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Chicken Pot Pie.. Three of my favorite things š 
I'll remember which side my gas tank is on when I'm dead.
My dream car would be a food truck.
Kids nextdoor challenged me to a water balloon fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for mine to come out of the freezer..
The most used electrical appliance in the wifeās kitchen is the smoke alarm.
I have six locks installed on my door all in a row so that when I go out, I lock every other one. That way I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Forgot to unlink my Pinterest account from Facebook and now my entire fight club knows how I'm decorating our annual pumpkin patch party.
When you put "LOL" onto the end of your text message, it acts like a flotation device so the message doesn't sink into sadness. LOL
You can just root for them. You don't have to try and explain how you're a legit Cubs fan because your great uncle went to Wrigley once.
My household now communicates exclusively through slammed doors and the clattering of cutlery thrown angrily into drawers.
Ladies, if you want a man you loves you for your brains and not your body, then date a zombie.
Which part of this $5.99 Walmart t-shirt makes you wonder if I would like to see the wine list?
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
All the founding members of the band "Survivor" are still alive. It's a pride thing.
Honestly, I don't get the whole "sandwich after sex" thing. I either want to go to sleep or watch "Archer" reruns.
FACT: You could also be burned at the stake during the Salem Witch Trials for telling that dumb "what do you call a witch at the beach" joke.
Brace yourselves it's Harley Quinn weekend!
Guess it's time to throw out the leftovers from last Thanksgiving...
Get your copy of "Who's Boat is this Boat" today!
People ask to meet for coffee so they can pick my brain almost every week. If you donāt want to pay for consultancy I donāt have a brain. 