Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If confidence is shamelessly wearing your pyjamas in public at the grocery store, then yes, I am confident.

   When I die I hope my life doesn't really flash before my eyes. There is some $h!t from my past I'd rather not see again.

   If walls work. Then tell that to the Kool-aid pitcher.

   I met MicroSoft owner Bill Windows.

   I think some of my Facebook friends make completely irrational decisions in life that make no sense whatsoever, and we should hangout more.

   Mmmmmm, I want some hamberders.

   I'm holding a Twitter conspiracy meeting tonight. Don't tell Devin.

   I bought a pair of underwear today. In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’. In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.

   a good feeling: to wake up in the morning and realizing you have 5 more hours to sleep.

   Make a decision; right or wrong. The roads are paved with squirrels that couldn't make up their minds.

   Ah, yes...what lovely blouse shall I stain with food today?

   Your belly button is just a mouth that you don't use anymore.

   idiot at the gym today.. He had a bottle of water in the Pringles can holder on the treadmill.. Freaking loser.

   It's so adorable how badgers and foxes take little naps at the side of the road all the time!

   I'm sorry to say, but all the Canadians in the game 2 basketball finals out-patriot us big time. I'm hanging my head in shame.

   I asked "Alexa, what do women want" This thing havent shut up for three days now

   Two touchdowns for the US Women's team...too bad they missed that second extra point

   Whoever designed my new phone that uses power to light up, beep and shake on and off for 15 minutes or so before it dies should be fired.

   Relationship Status? Facebook going down today was the first thing to go down on me in years

   This Summer, live a little and drop an unwrapped Baby Ruth candy bar in someone’s swimming pool.