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Funny Status Messages for Facebook

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.
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X says My wife told me that she was seeing someone else because she was fed up with my bad habits. I nearly choked on my toenail
←Rate | 05-10-2010 18:02 Comments (0)

X says used to play sports. Then I realised that you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything!
←Rate | 05-10-2010 18:01 Comments (0)

X says was driving past the woods today and saw a group of bird watchers, so I flipped them the bird.
←Rate | 05-10-2010 17:56 Comments (0)

X says a kid said to me sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. I threw a dictionary at him.
←Rate | 05-10-2010 17:55 Comments (0)

X says wonders if the person that invented the vibrator heard voices in his head that said, "if you build it, they will come."
←Rate | 05-10-2010 17:55 Comments (0)

X says What did the maxi pad say to the fart? A: You're the wind beneath my wings.
←Rate | 05-10-2010 17:54 Comments (0)

X says I zone out once my teacher says "This will not be on the test."
←Rate | 05-10-2010 17:36 by Samir Momin Comments (0)

X says I like my women like I like my steaks. Dark with a warm pink center.
←Rate | 05-10-2010 17:27 by @kdr2011 Comments (0)

X Criticism is the best sign you're onto something.
←Rate | 05-10-2010 14:06 by Joser Comments (0)

X Why do people insist on speaking to me? It pretty much never goes well.
←Rate | 05-10-2010 14:06 by Joser Comments (0)

X Does the Five Second Rule apply to beer?
←Rate | 05-10-2010 14:06 by Joser Comments (0)

X This could be the best day ever... but it isn't. Again
←Rate | 05-10-2010 14:05 by Joser Comments (0)

X The thing that makes learning how to use chopsticks so difficult is that the longer you don't know how, the soggier your cereal gets.
←Rate | 05-10-2010 14:05 by Joser Comments (0)

X Saw the mystery machine from Scooby Doo driving on the highway. Is this real life?
←Rate | 05-10-2010 14:05 by Joser Comments (1)

X I just saw a man disconnect his oxygen tank before he lit his cigarette. Safety first.
←Rate | 05-10-2010 14:02 by Joser Comments (1)

X ME: So you're a drug dealer, huh? HER: It's called a pharmacist. ME: Oh, I get it. It's like how you can't say "bong" in a head shop, right?
←Rate | 05-10-2010 13:58 by Joser Comments (0)

X Hearing your legs creaking as you get into the standing split pose in yoga class is a sure way of telling people that you havent been laid in a while
←Rate | 05-10-2010 13:57 by Joser Comments (0)

X Note to the asshole who parked too close: "Sorry about your car door. I liked it so much I put a ding on it."
←Rate | 05-10-2010 13:57 by Joser Comments (1)

X Target is nothing more than Walmart in a tuxedo t-shirt.
←Rate | 05-10-2010 13:56 by Joser Comments (0)

X "Well done, son. I'm very appointed in you." "Appointed?" "Opposite of disappointed." "You mean proud?" "Let's not get carried away, kiddo."
←Rate | 05-10-2010 13:55 by Joser Comments (0)

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