Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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   messageicon tried to mail you something cute for christmas but the postoffice took the stamp off my butt and asked me to leave...
←Rate | 12-20-2010 19:48 by AmyRulz;-) Comments (1)  


   messageicon told my son today, "I believe every single word you say. It's when you put them together to form a sentence that I have an issue!"
←Rate | 12-20-2010 19:36 by Maureen Comments (0)  


   messageicon I be the same people that brag about how nice and warm it is where they are right now are the same people that were spoiled brats when they were kids.
←Rate | 12-20-2010 19:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist? A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
←Rate | 12-20-2010 19:23 Comments (0)  




   messageicon We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
←Rate | 12-20-2010 19:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Something seems to be wrong with my butt today, as I can't seem to get off of it.
←Rate | 12-20-2010 19:15 by Marshall the Great Comments (1)  


   messageicon The oldest written recipe is for beer. Even when most people couldn't read or write, they knew they had to mark that down somehow.
←Rate | 12-20-2010 19:13 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon Kids, when I was your age, the ENTIRE family shared one phone, and it was attached to the kitchen wall by a cord. We couldn't even update our Facebook status from it.
←Rate | 12-20-2010 19:10 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon The only good thing about having your mother as a FB friend is that no matter how bad your status update bombs in your attempt to be funny, you can always count on her to "like' it
←Rate | 12-20-2010 19:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Drinking won't solve your problems, but it will give you lots of interesting new ones.
←Rate | 12-20-2010 19:07 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just coughed and sneezed at the same time, I think I traveled 3 seconds into the future.
←Rate | 12-20-2010 19:05 by Marshall the Great Comments (3)  


   messageicon I really wish I hadn't heard that, I would be so much happier not knowing.
←Rate | 12-20-2010 19:04 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon Gonna try grocery shopping drunk. Can't believe I've never thought if this before.
←Rate | 12-20-2010 19:04 by Marshall the Great Comments (7)  


   messageicon Tortilla chips - aka The Mexican Fork
←Rate | 12-20-2010 18:56 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon When picking out a name for your kid make sure it's something you won't mind saying a BILLION times.
←Rate | 12-20-2010 18:55 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon Who would win: Twenty years of experience combined with specialized professional training vs. Google?
←Rate | 12-20-2010 18:54 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just learned that to burn off the calories from 1 M&M you have to walk the length of a football field. BRB I have to run to China.
←Rate | 12-20-2010 18:51 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon Any one can stay true to your face, it's the people who stay true behind your back that really count.
←Rate | 12-20-2010 18:50 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon "I'll give you a TKO from Tokyo!" ~ Piston Honda
←Rate | 12-20-2010 18:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'll take the high road but only after taking a little joy ride on the low road to leave tread marks behind.
←Rate | 12-20-2010 18:36 Comments (0)  



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