Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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   messageicon To hell with syncing the Titanic... I named my iPhone "ass" so I could back that ass up.
←Rate | 01-16-2011 09:38 by yo Comments (0)  

   messageicon I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate...
←Rate | 01-16-2011 09:37 by yo Comments (0)  

   messageicon Making $ is easy. Press shift+4.
←Rate | 01-16-2011 09:37 by yo Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Diamonds are forever. But so is herpes." This is why I never get hired to write advertising campaigns.
←Rate | 01-16-2011 09:36 by yo Comments (0)  

   messageicon Saw Harry Potter. ***SPOILER ALERT*** ZERO tits.
←Rate | 01-16-2011 09:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Be nice to nerds, Chances are you will be working for them.
←Rate | 01-16-2011 08:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon anyone on Myspace anymore? I wonder if Tom is on facebook....
←Rate | 01-16-2011 08:44 by cgd93 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I bet the zodiac killers brain is about to explode.
←Rate | 01-16-2011 08:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes while I drink my morning coffee I stare out the window think to myself "F#&k, thats a lot of snow!!"
←Rate | 01-16-2011 08:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Heard more dead birds were found in Pittsburgh and Atlanta last night
←Rate | 01-16-2011 05:17 Comments (4)  

   messageicon You know that look women get right before they want to have sex? Me neither.
←Rate | 01-16-2011 03:03 by @Felesar Comments (0)  

   messageicon The hypocrisy of some on the LEFT has no bounds.
←Rate | 01-16-2011 00:52 Comments (3)  

   messageicon I hate grocery shopping because I'm no very good at predicting what I'm going to feel like eating in a few days.
←Rate | 01-16-2011 00:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hey Facebook, is it possible to cram a few more ads on my "new" profile page?
←Rate | 01-16-2011 00:22 Comments (2)  

   messageicon The worst part about waking up alone is not having someone to kick out of bed to make me coffee.
←Rate | 01-16-2011 00:18 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon An angry mob of nerds can be dangerous. The only thing stopping them from tipping cars is physical ability.
←Rate | 01-16-2011 00:17 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon bets there's no problem finding salt for the roads when it snows in Margaritaville
←Rate | 01-15-2011 23:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If it bleeds, we can kill it.
←Rate | 01-15-2011 23:10 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon More birds dying in packs. This time in Atlanta
←Rate | 01-15-2011 22:43 Comments (1)  

   messageicon The most effective part of bringing my laptop to the coffee shop so I can "work" is the "lying to myself."
←Rate | 01-15-2011 21:20 by @The69Sheriff Comments (0)  

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