Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Jesus is the way, the truth and the life!
←Rate | 02-27-2011 00:01 by Erick santana Comments (0)  

   messageicon speedwalks everywhere, and is afraid of toilets…the two are not related...really...
←Rate | 02-26-2011 23:29 by M.A.C. Comments (0)  

   messageicon Jesus take the wheel...I'm tired...and I want to finish that dream you had issues with....
←Rate | 02-26-2011 23:15 by M.A.C. Comments (0)  

   messageicon Alors On Danse.. :)
←Rate | 02-26-2011 22:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon i'm a much more lively person when I'm sh*tfaced
←Rate | 02-26-2011 22:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder if the first guy who used the pickup line “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you and I together” is the same guy who invented the qwerty keyboard...
←Rate | 02-26-2011 21:42 by JaxWylde Comments (0)  

   messageicon The reason why I don't speak to you anymore is because I keep telling myself that if you wanted to talk to me, you would.
←Rate | 02-26-2011 21:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon feels sorry for the blind girl at the beach today... she doesnt know how ugly her boyfriend is...
←Rate | 02-26-2011 20:56 by J0eBl0ws Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife isn't speaking to me. All because I didn't open the car door for her. I guess I just panicked and swam to the surface.
←Rate | 02-26-2011 20:42 by mark Comments (0)  

   messageicon death is the leading cause of funerals in this country.
←Rate | 02-26-2011 20:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a bat.
←Rate | 02-26-2011 20:02 by Abbybaby34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon my body is no longer my temple, it's more like a bar and grill.
←Rate | 02-26-2011 19:32 by challenger srt8 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Would it kill the gas stations to put an extra 5 feet of rubber hose on the pumps so I dont have to look like a complete idiot whenever I pull up to the gas pump and my tank is on the wrong side
←Rate | 02-26-2011 18:49 by whitecube387 Comments (0)  

   messageicon thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk... just like in cartoons.
←Rate | 02-26-2011 17:37 by @The69Sheriff Comments (0)  

   messageicon She was gone as fast as rum cake at an AA meeting!
←Rate | 02-26-2011 17:36 by eaglet1122 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don`t let the sadness of your past, and the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present...
←Rate | 02-26-2011 17:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife said I was disrespectful and I was thinkin' does that mean she's gonna get me a beer or not?
←Rate | 02-26-2011 17:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Smoking, drinking and you...two things I love.
←Rate | 02-26-2011 17:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've forgotten how to "hang out" with people if alcohol isn't involved.
←Rate | 02-26-2011 17:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon ‎3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier's face: Priceless!
←Rate | 02-26-2011 17:25 Comments (0)  

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