Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The owner of the local movie theatre passed away. His funeral will be at 2, 4:30, 7 and 10.

   No matter how fast you run, michael myers will walk faster.

   I try not to be rude, but some of you make it hard work.

   My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat!

   My wife comes with instructions. Lots of instructions.

   My Husband, the "not-so-handy" handyman:)

   I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2000 of something.

   I child-proofed my house, but they still get in.

   God must love stupid people. He made so many.

   FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent Condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything."

   Diamonds aren't a girls best friend, Ben and Jerry are!

   Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.

   Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, made the dinner.

   Money can buy a fine dog...but only love can make him wag his tail.

   nothings more horrifying than when you do an early flush and then start to feel wetness.

   Laughter burns calories.

   I'm only as strong as the coffee I drink & the hairspray I use..

   about to give $$$ to a homeless peddler....until his I-Phone went off.

   Does anyone else find it disturbing that Jerry Sandusky has an autobiography titled "Touched"?

   I keep having this dream I'm being carried off by a giant squirrel...Does that make me nuts?