Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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   messageicon Someone make an I-phone app that can tell me what my blood alcohol level is. 
←Rate | 01-30-2011 01:57 by ff1241 Comments (2)  

   messageicon Support the economy, buy me a beer.
←Rate | 01-30-2011 01:55 by @dragonjc Comments (0)  

   messageicon What's the difference between light and hard? You can go to bed with a light on.
←Rate | 01-30-2011 01:49 by Dopey420 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why don't Polish people kill frogs? Because it's their national bird.
←Rate | 01-30-2011 01:36 by Will Comments (4)  

   messageicon Confucious say, "Is good for girl to meet boy in park... but is better for boy to park meat in girl."
←Rate | 01-30-2011 01:32 by Dopey420 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Babe is it in?" "Yeah" "Is it hurting?" "Uh-huuh" "Let me put it in slowly" "It still hurts!" "Ok let's try another shoe size"
←Rate | 01-30-2011 01:24 by Seddy90 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A cop pulls over a guy. He says "Sir your eyes are alittle glazed, have you been drinking?" The man replies "Gee officer your eyes look alittle glazed too, have you been eating doughnuts?"
←Rate | 01-30-2011 01:19 by Dopey420 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I bought a car last week. Well, by "bought" I mean "poisoned" and by "car" I mean "my neighbor's dog."
←Rate | 01-30-2011 01:11 by Will Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is there a disclaimer on the Allstate Auto Insurance commericals that says "Not available in all states"?
←Rate | 01-30-2011 00:57 by Dopey420 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sitting here with Google open, and now I can't remember what I didn't know.
←Rate | 01-30-2011 00:34 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon treat everything like a dog would. If you can't eat it or hump it, piss on it and walk away.
←Rate | 01-30-2011 00:29 by Joe Comments (0)  

   messageicon egypt had 10 plagues, I think they can handel ppl in sweat suits throwin rocks.. .
←Rate | 01-30-2011 00:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm not saying that you and your girlfriend are unatractive, but when you two got into that physical altercation at the bar, every single person there immediately called PETA except for Michael Vick and that's only because he had already wagered on her
←Rate | 01-30-2011 00:14 by scottyp Comments (0)  

   messageicon People must do well to remember that a nose belongs on the face and not stuck in SOME OTHER PLACE.
←Rate | 01-29-2011 23:28 by ff1241 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Was told to set an example. So I picked to be a bad example
←Rate | 01-29-2011 23:27 by ff1241 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So if you don't know the local language and need to find a restroom. The universal sign is to act like your holding your penis and making a hissing sound. Don't ask me how I know this.
←Rate | 01-29-2011 23:27 by ff1241 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Someone give Bruno Mars a grenade and pull the pin. I'm getting sick of that song. She dosen't love you, I don't wanna hear about how your stalking her.
←Rate | 01-29-2011 23:26 by ff1241 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Chocolate chip cookie dough has a warning to not eat it raw. Who in their right mind is not going to do that. I can't even remember the last time I got cookie dough and made them into cookies.
←Rate | 01-29-2011 23:25 by ff1241 Comments (0)  

   messageicon don't talk to me in that tone of CAPITALS!
←Rate | 01-29-2011 22:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Final destination she says. All destinations are final. Not need to use final there lady. Thats what the word means, destiny = final. If you haven't got where you're going, you're not there yet!
←Rate | 01-29-2011 22:32 Comments (1)  

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