Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I'd really like to find the person that named the sensitive part of your elbow the "Funny Bone" and punch them in the face. See how funny they think that is.
←Rate | 03-04-2011 11:35 by abbybaby34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My road rage doubles in winter. Not only does everyone drive like they're 100 years old, but I get even more enraged when I flip someone off and realize I'm wearing mittens. Now I'm pissed and embarassed."
←Rate | 03-04-2011 11:32 by Dylan Bosch Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs."
←Rate | 03-04-2011 11:29 by Dylan Bosch Comments (0)  

   messageicon All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy!"
←Rate | 03-04-2011 11:25 by Dylan Bosch Comments (0)  

   messageicon The true test of inner strength is finding both stalls occupied."
←Rate | 03-04-2011 11:23 by Dylan Bosch Comments (0)  

   messageicon Men are terrified of women. Don't believe me? Go use one of those decorative towels in the bathroom. I dare ya."
←Rate | 03-04-2011 11:21 by Dylan Bosch Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have a recurring, hour-long meeting set on my work calendar for 4pm on Fridays. There's no actual meeting, but I'll be damned if I let someone schedule a real one at that time."
←Rate | 03-04-2011 11:20 by Dylan Bosch Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you die in a manner that leaves your body unrecognizable they identify you by your dental records; if they don't know who you are, how in the world would they know who your dentist is?"
←Rate | 03-04-2011 11:18 by Dylan Bosch Comments (0)  

   messageicon I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
←Rate | 03-04-2011 11:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I called a wrong phone number today. I asked, 'Is Joey there?' The woman says 'Yes.' I said, 'May I speak to him please?' She said, 'No, he can't right now, he is only 2 months old. I said, 'All right, I'll wait.'
←Rate | 03-04-2011 11:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The last fight we had was my fault. My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?' and I said, 'Dust!'
←Rate | 03-04-2011 11:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon To make a small fortune in the stock market you need to start with a large fortune
←Rate | 03-04-2011 11:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon e-harmony proves that even people who wear shorts, dress socks and sandals CAN find true love.
←Rate | 03-04-2011 10:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I turn around, people throw me a welcome back party.
←Rate | 03-04-2011 10:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy
←Rate | 03-04-2011 10:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
←Rate | 03-04-2011 10:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Canadian Bacon? why don't they just call it HAM. silly canadians
←Rate | 03-04-2011 10:54 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
←Rate | 03-04-2011 10:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and someone calls me up they hear a recording of a busy signal.
←Rate | 03-04-2011 10:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is that you can always read a doctor's bill but never his prescription?
←Rate | 03-04-2011 10:44 Comments (0)  

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