Funny Status Messages for FacebookStatus message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.
X says My wife told me that she was seeing someone else because she was fed up with my bad habits. I nearly choked on my toenail
X says used to play sports. Then I realised that you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything!
X says was driving past the woods today and saw a group of bird watchers, so I flipped them the bird.
X says a kid said to me sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. I threw a dictionary at him.
X says wonders if the person that invented the vibrator heard voices in his head that said, "if you build it, they will come."
X says What did the maxi pad say to the fart? A: You're the wind beneath my wings.
X says I zone out once my teacher says "This will not be on the test."
X says I like my women like I like my steaks. Dark with a warm pink center.
X Criticism is the best sign you're onto something.
X Why do people insist on speaking to me? It pretty much never goes well.
X Does the Five Second Rule apply to beer?
X This could be the best day ever... but it isn't. Again
X The thing that makes learning how to use chopsticks so difficult is that the longer you don't know how, the soggier your cereal gets.
X Saw the mystery machine from Scooby Doo driving on the highway. Is this real life?
X I just saw a man disconnect his oxygen tank before he lit his cigarette. Safety first.
X ME: So you're a drug dealer, huh? HER: It's called a pharmacist. ME: Oh, I get it. It's like how you can't say "bong" in a head shop, right?
X Hearing your legs creaking as you get into the standing split pose in yoga class is a sure way of telling people that you havent been laid in a while
X Note to the asshole who parked too close: "Sorry about your car door. I liked it so much I put a ding on it."
X Target is nothing more than Walmart in a tuxedo t-shirt.
X "Well done, son. I'm very appointed in you." "Appointed?" "Opposite of disappointed." "You mean proud?" "Let's not get carried away, kiddo."