Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Commenting "looking good!" on a hot girl's Instagram photo is the modern day equivalent of a construction worker yelling at a woman.

   Obama just said Trump is unfit to be President. ..Well aint that the pot calling the kettle black...

   why do people say" I know you like the back of my hand"? who really knows anything about the back of their hand?

   You've officially reached middle age when purchasing new cleaning products gives you goosebumps.

   Autocorrect changing "restaurant" to "restraint" can really ruin the asking a girl on a date experience.

   Getting hyped for the weekend is soooo mainstream.

   Dinner by candlelight: for her it's romantic, for me it's about shadow puppets.

   When I meet a woman, I don't care where she works, what she likes to eat, who she's been dating or been married to. I wanna know if we start seeing each other, how long before I no longer have to hold in my f@rts.

   FOUND CAT: Orange tabby found off River rd. yesterday,,, Approximately 8 lbs,,, No collar,,, Tasted like chicken. .. Please call 892-****

   If you're not my friend, click like then copy and paste this on your timeline. If we're truly friends, do nothing. I'd never insult your intelligence with such a ridiculous command.

   A Perfect New Campaign Slogan: Make America Horny Again.

   I hope someday to be described as that small, quiet man, who could be found regularly foraging for supplies in the liquor store/gas station.

   This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Can I have another? I'd like to bring a guest.

   Gum without the commitment: Mentos.

   Preparing for old age by sitting on a bench watching construction workers lay cement. This will be my joy one day.

   Don't Tell The Kids #1: But the monster is under their bed because it refuses to pay rent for a full room.

   .... My Nuclear option to try to calm things down in the heat of passion .... is to think of Hillary ...... But only when absolutely necessary ... Cuz I don't want to become permanently sterile.

   Just flew in, and boy are my arms tired from punching the reclined seat in front of me.

   The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it and I deserve better.

   Status: Took vitamins in place of working out today.