Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do women get annoyed more easily than men, or are men better at annoying than women?

   Ted Cruz did not go against Trump, He took the last life preserver off the Titantic off the railing and jumped ship. He did not even yell women and children first just took it and jumped.

   People are playing Pokemon and Scott Baio is relevant again while I'm over here deciding when to see that new movie "Titantic."

   The less you know, the more you think you do.

   i know I'm fat cause every time I pass a buffet my phone joins its wifi network

   ..... Heck ..... I was really surprised to see Barack Obama Cracking a joke while talking about the latest Terror Attack in Munich ..... But ... Then again ... It was Obama so maybe not ....

   Dying by a 'terrible accident' is the nicest way of saying 'sneezed while doing blow off a switchblade, in the back of a van'.

   Girl on the bus keeps looking at my crocs. This is how sex starts. Watch and learn virgins.

   So drunk last night. When I walked across the dance floor to get another drink I won the dance competition.

   It's not difficult but I'd prefer it if you washed your hands again before shaking mine.

   The NFL has cleared Peyton Manning of doing steroids so he won't have to sit out the first 4 games of his retirement.

   Dogs act pretty tough for someone who's afraid of cotton balls.

   94% sure that the band Live still holds the record for singing about placenta in the opening of a song.

   What's up with Hillary and all her doctor evil jackets? Oh wait.. It makes sense.

   Say what you want about Bernie Sanders, I always wonder if he is related to KFC's Colonel Sanders?

   Thinking about being the President. But my wife, Melania, said she wouldn't want to move into a much smaller house.

   Siri, bring me a delicious cheesecake and tell my food journal to log it as a veggie burger.

   My hobbies include reciting the side effects of artificial sweeteners during meals and maintaining a robust dislike of everything around me.

   My vegetable garden is not doing very well this summer according to this cease and desist letter I received from the city.

   FYI: "I just watched the new Snooki music video" is not a valid excuse to call in sick.