Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Like a blind man in an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through

   I'm starting this new decade off right by being more environmentally conscious towards everything I do like using napkins made out of 100% recycled material exclusively available for a great price at Chipotle.

   If you have a crush on me tell me b4 I invest my Valentines Money in Mutual funds

   Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie

   Took some ex-lax cookies to work for Valentines. With friends like me, who needs enemas?

   I was ready to run for it when I heard the fire alarm go off at the Dentist's today. But he assured me it was just a drill.

   The closest I've come to working out in the last month has been a double sneeze. And I hurt my neck.

   People think I’m stupid because I have a lisp. You know what? I’m thick of it..

   The problem with driving an old air-cooled Volkswagen bus is kids keep mistaking it as an ice cream truck, and the worst part is it's so slow they could almost catch you.

   My grief counselor just died. I really don’t care. I guess we made progress.

   I like men who play hard to get. So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

   How girls put on their pants: *Left leg*, *Right leg*, '' Wiggle*, *Wiggle*, *twerk*, *Jump*, *Jump*, *Squat*, *Stretch* Done.

   Tostitos is coming out with a limited-edition bag that actually doubles as a breathalyzer. Here's how it works: If you're breathing into a bag of Tostitos, you're probably drunk.

   Depression, is merely anger without enthusiasm

   Why do wives think giving their husband the silent treatment is a punishment.

   "If playing golf is exercise, then why aren't there driving ranges in health clubs?

   Valentine's Day. The only day of the year the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.

   I know I’m getting old when playing the stock market is more fun than playing a video game

   Worked on our taxes last night. We are getting $867 thousand dollars from federal and we owe the state $966 thousand dollars. Anyone have the number to H&R Block??

   My father always said The sky's the limit! Which now that I think about it might be why he lost his job at NASA?