Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I cant wait for your tell all book hillary" - OJ

   Hey, you guys remember when the GOP Congress refused to increase funding for worldwide Embassy Security? Probably not.

   I can't believe they're going to remake Little Women with an all-female cast.

   All of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are over 21. Sorry to ruin the franchise for you.

   I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside. - Melania Trump

   everyone is talking about Melania. Nobody even remembers that part of the Convention. Well played Melania.

   I don't like saying goodbye, so I'll just Say Stormtrooper, That way you know I'll always miss you .

   Do women get annoyed more easily than men, or are men better at annoying than women?

   Ted Cruz did not go against Trump, He took the last life preserver off the Titantic off the railing and jumped ship. He did not even yell women and children first just took it and jumped.

   People are playing Pokemon and Scott Baio is relevant again while I'm over here deciding when to see that new movie "Titantic."

   The less you know, the more you think you do.

   i know I'm fat cause every time I pass a buffet my phone joins its wifi network

   ..... Heck ..... I was really surprised to see Barack Obama Cracking a joke while talking about the latest Terror Attack in Munich ..... But ... Then again ... It was Obama so maybe not ....

   Dying by a 'terrible accident' is the nicest way of saying 'sneezed while doing blow off a switchblade, in the back of a van'.

   Girl on the bus keeps looking at my crocs. This is how sex starts. Watch and learn virgins.

   So drunk last night. When I walked across the dance floor to get another drink I won the dance competition.

   It's not difficult but I'd prefer it if you washed your hands again before shaking mine.

   The NFL has cleared Peyton Manning of doing steroids so he won't have to sit out the first 4 games of his retirement.

   Dogs act pretty tough for someone who's afraid of cotton balls.

   94% sure that the band Live still holds the record for singing about placenta in the opening of a song.