Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i like to scare girls a bit by telling them"We are going to meet my parents" on the first date.

   Studying: The act of texting, eating, and watching TV with an open textbook nearby

   Childbirth is nothing compared to walking through tall grass with sh!tty a$$ Pokémon.

   Guess I better watch the end of this little baseball game so I can say tomorrow ' yeah I saw that,didn't think (___insert winner here___) would pull it off ! The lengths I go just to fit in. ;-)

   What does frozen beer, burnt pizza and a pregnant girl all have in common? A dumba$$ who forgot to take it out in time.

   If I don't make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.

   Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

   One hour long text conversation = 5 minute face to face conversation.

   Diet Journal, Day 4: Going well. Lost 4 lbs already and the neighbor's daschunds are looking less like chocolate eclairs.

   Breaking a mirror is 7 years of bad luck? Well breaking a condom is 18.

   Self checkout was invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.

   Cell phones ruined the era of throwing people into pools.

   It's kind of fun to hang out with a younger person who thinks you're a lot cooler than you actually are.

   I have been watching the Texas Rangers the entire postseason and not once has Walker got to play....

   there are more errors in this world series game than they are in the show 16 and pregnant

   Heading out downtown tonight better known as "No I don't have a cigarette or a dollar"

   Wonder if all the fake Facebooker's will be real on Halloween and tell us how their life is really going??

   "Well Fine! If you don't have anything nice to say...Then.. Take off your clothes..!?!"

   Whenever "your" is used instead of "you're," a puppy is beaten,

   Why do members of the military wear their uniforms on game shows? Are they going to battle after the taping?