Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know she is single AF when all she posts is selfies.

   OK. So I danced like no one was watching. Anyone know a good lawyer?

   You know a woman is a keeper if she picks the iron when she's playing Monopoly.

   So I booed you at your own wedding, can’t we just let bygones be bygones?

   57 years old and I'm still not coordinated enough to pass gass with a full bladder

   Welcome to your 40's. You get horny anywhere, anytime. Without warning.

   The only good thing about inflation. It allows you to live in a more expensive neighborhood without having to move.

   Taught my grandmother that "Jabroni" means "fine young man" and it's made our time out in public way more interesting.

   [Breaking News] Australian strawberries found in Salisbury!

   I'm pretty certain I'll never be a serial killer, since I don't have a middle name!

   Ciick-fil-a surprises Florida man for his 100th birthday with free food for life.

   Unable to purchase McGregor`s Proper Twelve Whiskey from his website, says he is currently tapped out.

   Don't you hate it when you think you see a good parking spot but then you turn the corner and Stuart f@&k!Ng little is parked there.

   instead of talking about who people whould vote for, maybe gef off social media and actually go put and vote if you want change

   Drink beer while you can still afford it.

   this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed dummycrat loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

   Light travels faster then sound. This is why some people appear bright untill you hear them speak.

   Symptoms of a Gluten allergy are depression, trouble breathing, rash and irritability which tells me my ex must have been a soft pretzel.

   Sweet!!! I just found a Trump University degree inside a box of Cracker Jack.

   Next time you feel like running around naked, please spray yourself with windex...it prevents streaking.