Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Taught my grandmother that "Jabroni" means "fine young man" and it's made our time out in public way more interesting.

   [Breaking News] Australian strawberries found in Salisbury!

   I'm pretty certain I'll never be a serial killer, since I don't have a middle name!

   Ciick-fil-a surprises Florida man for his 100th birthday with free food for life.

   Unable to purchase McGregor`s Proper Twelve Whiskey from his website, says he is currently tapped out.

   Don't you hate it when you think you see a good parking spot but then you turn the corner and Stuart f@&k!Ng little is parked there.

   instead of talking about who people whould vote for, maybe gef off social media and actually go put and vote if you want change

   Drink beer while you can still afford it.

   this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed dummycrat loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

   Light travels faster then sound. This is why some people appear bright untill you hear them speak.

   Symptoms of a Gluten allergy are depression, trouble breathing, rash and irritability which tells me my ex must have been a soft pretzel.

   Sweet!!! I just found a Trump University degree inside a box of Cracker Jack.

   Next time you feel like running around naked, please spray yourself with windex...it prevents streaking.

   Kanye West is disappointed to find "You're So Vain" wasn't about himself.

   I heard Oscar Pistorius wanted a new bathroom door but his girlfriend was dead against it.

   In Game of Thrones, how Cersei felt during the walk of shame is how I feel using a CoinStar in from of everyone in the grocery store.

   Strange Jeopardy Categories: Does this look infected to you?

   Before the internet, no one had successful spelled the word "hemorrhoids".

   I haven't dated since the 1990's, do people still use the pickup line "Wassssssupp?"

   Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses around.