Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pretty proud of myself. Finished a TicTac without biting into it.

   I'd rather lose the game than get Gatorade dumped on me.

   I crash my bike every time I ride it to the pharmacy to pick up pain meds I need for all the injuries from my crashes. It's a vicious cycle.

   Watching documentaries on Netflix has actually taught me that there's no time to chill. Crazy stuff is going on out there.

   Plot twist: The very hungry catepillar does NOT turn into a butterfly but a crying emotional mess who has to go one size up in her jeans.

   The opening question of the VP Debate was basically if you were Kiefer Sutherland do you think you'd make a great Designated Survivor?

   I'm going to write a book of inspirational quotes & then I'm going to jump off a bridge because I want my readers to be thoroughly confused.

   You can teach a pet dog to go fetch your paper...a pet cat will teach you to go F@#K yourself.

   Meteorologists advising people in path of hurricane to tie down things that can be picked up by winds, i.e. stray dogs, hookers, and vagabonds.

   Still not 100% clear on Applebee's BYOB policy.

   Donald "No Pants" Duck was a bird truly ahead of his time.

   When the power goes out my family and I play with our phones by candlelight like in the old days.

   Grocery Store List: -Bottle of Wine. -Wheel of Cheese. -Get Well Soon card (for myself).

   What sounds better, "working through things" or "soul as black as the depths of the ocean"? I really need to get my Craigslist ad right.

   Listen, I could have gone my whole life without hearing the term "fecal transplant" and I wouldn't have regretted it.

   Arnold Schwarzenegger To Donald Trump: You’re Fired. But wait, wasn't Arnold once accused of objectifying women some years ago?

   Listen, OK, this was way back in 2005. It was 11 years ago, back when I was just a young, childish, 59-year-old man.

   BREAKING NEWS : Bill Cosby withdraws support for Donald Trump

   The only thing more romantic than true love is getting hit by a train.

   The "running man" may no longer be a trendy dance move, but it's a cool way to get out of a boring conversation