Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Multi-coloured drinks make me dizzy and nervous even before I drink them.

   Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.

   On a scale of newlyweds to married 25 years, how willing are you to admit I'm right?

   BREAKING: Ryan Lochte brutally attacked at gunpoint and forced to dance Foxtrot in front of national TV audience.

   Health becomes the main issue of the presidential election in a country that does not offer it to its citizens. This is...sick.

   Clinton 46% but her body double is polling at 62%....

   Brock Turner launching a "Drinking and Promiscuity" speaking tour is like Bill Cosby launching a "Roofies and Asking for It" sleep clinic.

   When someone flirts with you don't let it stop there. Flirt back, remove your shirt, put them in a headlock if you have to.

   It's difficult to not be a narcissist when your birthmark is the symbol of a Dragon warrior and your hair flows in the wind indoors.

   Wine is for parents that don't have a drug dealer.

   You never see Corey Feldman and Skrillex at the same place at the same time.

   Coolio arrested at LAX after a loaded gun was found in a carry-on bag. But what else do you bring on holiday to a gangsta's paradise?

   Send me one more game request and I show up at your house hammered, at 4am, naked demanding a game of Twister...

   Over 15% of Venezuela residents eat garbage on a daily basis. “Disgusting. We’re so lucky in the US" said an oblivious Arby’s customer.

   Always hope I'm the first person somebody calls when they need help moving so they have more people to call when I decline.

   Angelina Jolie has filed for a divorce from Brad Pitt. Does that mean they will go back to working as independent assassins?

   My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

   What goes up must come down. Except for crawling underwear.

   We bought this house because it has a perfect spot for the pile of clean socks.

   If I met an alien I'd get him some Dippin' Dots because that would impress him with our planet's science, and also I just like them.