Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   And then Satan said "put the alphabet in math"

   You can't buy happiness but you can buy weed and that is pretty close.

   4/21 Happy National Suprise Drug Test Day!

   Apparently today is Earth Day? I wish someone would have told me that before I went outside and cut millions of blades of grass in half and poisoned the yellow flowers in my yard. (actually, I would have done it anyway)

   People should only be allowed to take selfies as often as they renew there license.

   EPA/Science: If we dont do something about Water War, Food War, Ice Age, Acid Rain, Ozone, Over population, Solar Flares, Y2k, Cimate Change/Warming/Weather, we will be dead within 15 years.

   I'm going to celebrate Cinco de Mayo by puking tequila and gorditas on the side of a Taco Bell. i

   Cinco de Mayo makes me long for a world in which all holidays are conveniently named after the dates on which they fall.

   My body is so exhausted but my mindset is wide awake.

   Hmmmm, Those guys who usually mow my whole yard for 20 bucks were celebrating for some reason down at the Home Depot today.....

   Harvard researchers now claim that "eating boogers are good for you" adding they are a "rich reservoir" of bacteria. Yeah well, so is toilet water, but that don't mean I'm drinkin' any.

   . Don't wear skinny jeans if you don't have skinny genes. Just saying

   At night I keep a pillow under my gun in case a burglar threatens me to a pillow fight.

   I identified a body yesterday. "That's a body!" I said.

   Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

   I don't want to seem like a snob,,, but I was the only one to not use a coupon for our Mothers day lunch..

   Happy Mothers Day!! For those who aren't Moms and want to be I'm available!!!

   The easiest person to make fun of today would have to been the Walmartian who was stalking the corn dog samples.

   Do they have Twitter in prison? I'm asking for a friend....

   If it weren't for marriage, many of us would go through life thinking we had no faults at all