Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cinco de Mayo makes me long for a world in which all holidays are conveniently named after the dates on which they fall.

   My body is so exhausted but my mindset is wide awake.

   Hmmmm, Those guys who usually mow my whole yard for 20 bucks were celebrating for some reason down at the Home Depot today.....

   Harvard researchers now claim that "eating boogers are good for you" adding they are a "rich reservoir" of bacteria. Yeah well, so is toilet water, but that don't mean I'm drinkin' any.

   . Don't wear skinny jeans if you don't have skinny genes. Just saying

   At night I keep a pillow under my gun in case a burglar threatens me to a pillow fight.

   I identified a body yesterday. "That's a body!" I said.

   Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

   I don't want to seem like a snob,,, but I was the only one to not use a coupon for our Mothers day lunch..

   Happy Mothers Day!! For those who aren't Moms and want to be I'm available!!!

   The easiest person to make fun of today would have to been the Walmartian who was stalking the corn dog samples.

   Do they have Twitter in prison? I'm asking for a friend....

   If it weren't for marriage, many of us would go through life thinking we had no faults at all

   I think I just seenPodesta going down I95 in a white ford bronco

   "The sixth sick sheikh's sixth sheep's sick." Say that three times fast.

   I was going to sweep her off her feet until she flew away on my broom.

   My wife worked my ass off yesterday. It's still laying out in the yard somewhere.

   My son asked me what a dilemma was? "Imagine you're naked and in a big bed" I explained, "A beautiful woman on one side and a gay man on the other... Who are you going to turn your back on?"

   Surely if Steve Buscemi of all ugly people can have a successful career in Hollywood, there is nothing that should stop you from achieving your own goals.

   Nothing says IN GOD WE TRUST quite like having nuclear weapons.