Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I overheard two people at work talking something about removing stubborn fat. Look, I know I could stand to lose a few pounds, but that's no reason to call me that name and try to get me fired.

   If you want to know if Santa has you on his “nice” list,, or his “naughty” list,, Just ask Russia,,, and they'll just hack it for you.

   I just found out that my wife is actually Mrs. Santa Claus!! At least that's what my kids tell me.

   Sitting in a busy parkink lot tooting my horn when I see someone pressing their remote looking for their car.

   Something going viral just means more idiots have seen and liked it.

   I was going to wish merry christmas to all of the women that accused Trump of groping but I cant find them.

   Gold, frankinsence and myrrh. I may not be as wise as the 3 Wise Men, but I would have brought the baby Jesus a Lite Brite.

   I slept with this girl, and in the morning I asked her if she wanted breakfast in bed. She said one pig in the blanket was enough.

   The man who discovered copper died penniless

   If you can't handle me at my drunk,...join the crowd.

   my beer never tells me it has a girlfriend.

   let's take a picture of Trump at his Inauguration...and then again 4 years later. Should be fun!

   What are nudes? Someone show me.

   Internal discussion at Toyota today about which Trump golf tournament they should sponsor this spring.

   So like, you know that tag on a mattress that says "Not to be removed under penalty of law?" Well guess what I just did? I don't care man, I'm a rebel. They can come and get me.

   I need to lose weight. When I sweat, I'm like a side of pork basting in its own juices.

   Always borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. ~ Steven Wright

   Frankly auto correct... i'm getting really tired of your shirt

   The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey the Bear thinks that I'm the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don't feel trained for this, and I certainly didn't sign up for the position.

   Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.