Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife and girlfriend met, they don't need me anymore ;)

   silly true fact :'a woman is more responsive to romance when her stomach is full.'

   Fidel Castro dies at 90.

   A skinny friend told me she's never hungry and just 'forgets to eat', so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?

   Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it.

   The Brad and Angelina situation is hard to take. For starters -- it ruins my hopes of one day being adopted by them.

   I can never tell when one someone pokes me right back on facebook if they're really into me or has major OCD.

   Ladies, unless you really want to bang me, please stop poking me if you're not going to follow through. . .

   I'm so straight that I eat my Hotdog from the middle

   Went To The Library To Get A "Wheres Waldo" Book, But When I Got There I Couldn't Find It ...... Well Played, Waldo ... . Well Played.

   Donald Trump is not and will NEVER be my President!!!!! ...... I'm from Guatemala

   Wow, Donald Trump brought the unemployment rate down to 4.6% just by being elected.....

   Felt good to get back to work after the long holiday and get back to my regular pooping schedule.

   Later this year the "Thank you tour" will be making its way through Europe

   But in my defense if a girl yelling please don't come yet wants me to last longer she should probably try reverse psychology

   Does anyone know WHY Waldo is hiding ?

   No People ... Contrary to the Main Stream Media reports .... the President Elect ... DID NOT ... appoint Bill Cosby as the new Secretary for Women's Rights.

   Getting tired of seeing her updated Facebook selfies again for the 20th time today....

   I think it's time I go outside and pretend I'm putting up Christmas lights I never took down from last year.

   "With great b( . )( . )bs comes great responsibility".