Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
clerk: Do you like dinosaurs? me: Yeah! clerk: me *realizes she was talking to my son who's wearing a dinosaur shirt and hat* 
Pharrell Williams Begs Women to Vote Hillary: "She’s Dishonest, But So Are You"...Now we know why they chose him to be the front man for "Daft Punk"
Are you sure that's all the cats you have?
I like staring into the night sky. There's less people out there.
You're not a serious fashionista until you break a toe in new sexy high heels for the sake of your craft.
My stomach hurts. Maybe this giant bag of Skittles will help...
Prefers a scientific approach to parenting that allows natural selection to run its course if the kids fail to solve the local Escape Room.
Someone asked me what is there to look forward to in life after becoming a grandfather. I said, "Smelling like mothballs."
Made a phone call to a young start up company. During the recording of how to reach certain parties, it asked me to follow the extension by pressing the "hashtag" button. I don't think this company will last.
No one cares about the pictures of your Cards Against Humanity round.
It's not acceptable to call 911 when someone eats the last slice of pizza. I know that now.
I just changed my voicemail greeting to “Seriously?”
No one believes your brand new Cubs hat.
The bouncers at all the bars in my town call me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone..
No, she is a good woman. However, I don't agree with everything Hillary Clinton stands for or everything she says. Not everything... Not me personally no. -Janet Reno
I've only drank once since I quit drinking an hour ago
☐ Clinton ☐ Trump ☑ Beer
Trump Winning? Looks like back to the kitchen Hilary, here's your spatula
In the event that trump wins tonight I'm offering marriage for Canadian citizenship. Opening bid to start st $50,000.
Hey .... Anybody know the name of a good Psychiatrist? .... Whoah ... For the loser .... Not for me!! ... The Loser of the American Presidential election. 