Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions. Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?

   Why don't food companies put beets in boxes instead of cans? ...then the employees can say they're "professional beet boxers"

   Her: What sign are you most attracted to? Me: The Dunkin Donuts sign.

   It's slushing! Which is how we say in the South it's snowing.

   Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?

   There’s an alternate universe some place where Hoobastank is the halftime show.

   It's Valentine's Day so I'm spending time with my true love...yes I'm in the garage.

   nothing sacred? First girls allowed in the Boy Scouts and now Pitbull in NASCAR.

   Marking myself safe from singles awareness day.

   Don't worry Texans, the snow will disappear like magic in April.

   My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.

   I swore off men….it lasted 3 1/2 minutes.

   There’s no such thing as a covid vaccine, they just inject you with a really small guy that builds pillow forts around your cells so the virus can’t enter

   Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.

   When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.

   you wanna get into my pants, feel free. They’re over there on the floor. Haven’t worn them in months.

   I want my covid vaccine to be delivered via blow dart

   Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body

   If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.

   Direct deposit $1400: Me at McDonald’s: sir did just say how much are the French fries? Me: takes the mask off no I said how much is the franchise.