Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Things were happening around us, but nothing was happening between us.

   People say that money isn't the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

   Try an experiment..next time you are with your friends…see how long it takes before the conversation turns into talking about someone else…try it again as many times as you want..pay attention the results may open your eyes.

   Some people spend so much time preaching to the choir..they forget to actually read the words. You are lying to yourself if you don't think you are the problem.

   being rich doesn't equal happiness but i'd rather cry in a ferrari

   Chasing the American Dream does not count as exercise.

   I like how you do your makeup. Do you use a brush or just dip your face in?

   the people who you babysit for, you should poke holes in all the condoms and ensure yourself at least five more years of babysitting money.

   Blows me away how my friends psychic knows my 90 yr old granny has arthritis ...amazing.!!!

   WARNING: If you forget Daylight Savings Time ends this weekend, you may come in early and inadvertently make Monday an hour longer.

   My favorite thing about senior citizens is their medicine cabinets.

   The weekend crowd here is hard to please.

   Sometimes it's more important to be human, than to have good taste.

   i hate sitting comfortably on the couch and then discocering that my phone is more than an arm's length away. Also more than a leg's length away.

   Rihanna "Fell in love in a hopeless place". Must have been in Greece.

   Necessity is the mother of invention. The Kama Sutra was created because no one should have to "reach enlightenment" in missionary position.

   To understand someone you have to walk a mile in their shoes. That's why men don't understand women, they never learned to walk in heels.

   You can't tell me Occupy Wall Street and the McRib's return are a coincidence.

   You used to be my reason to smile, now you are my reason to frown.

   I just f*cked a girl that stutters. It was great. I finished before she could say "NO!"