Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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I know we are new lovers who hooked up just recently and all but you have to stop calling me at 2 in the morning. Who besides stalkers wants to 'talk' at 2am? 
Glad the Facebook redesign helped distract you from everything actually wrong with your life
*finds out crush isn't at school today* "Damn, I wasted an outfit."
80% of the time, I hate my life... the other 20% of the time i'm unconscious.
I don't deal well with good-byes. I'm better with good-riddances.
Pat's Wednesday entertanment..... Giving several extra flushes when I hear someone in the stall on their cell phone.........
Leftover Chinese food makes a damn fine breakfast.
Things were happening around us, but nothing was happening between us.
People say that money isn't the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
Try an experiment..next time you are with your friends…see how long it takes before the conversation turns into talking about someone else…try it again as many times as you want..pay attention the results may open your eyes.
Some people spend so much time preaching to the choir..they forget to actually read the words. You are lying to yourself if you don't think you are the problem.
being rich doesn't equal happiness but i'd rather cry in a ferrari
Chasing the American Dream does not count as exercise.
I like how you do your makeup. Do you use a brush or just dip your face in?
the people who you babysit for, you should poke holes in all the condoms and ensure yourself at least five more years of babysitting money.
Blows me away how my friends psychic knows my 90 yr old granny has arthritis ...amazing.!!!
WARNING: If you forget Daylight Savings Time ends this weekend, you may come in early and inadvertently make Monday an hour longer.
My favorite thing about senior citizens is their medicine cabinets.
The weekend crowd here is hard to please.
Sometimes it's more important to be human, than to have good taste. 