Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To block the annoying person's status updates, or keep them around because their horrible personal life is entertaining?!?!

   Piglets are so cute. I love it how we eat them when they get fat and ugly.

   I'm great at pretending I'm not an a$$hole.

   Every time I crave chick-fil-a, it's f'ing Sunday!

   She could have a Grammy, and I would still treat her like a Nominee.

   I'm on that “Starts tomorrow” diet...... Everyday!!

   May your enemies know the sound of a smattering of applause.

   You have the Man Pit and the Man Cave, yup going to have the female version and call it the Maxie Pad

   BBC News - "Wettest June since records began"I blame that 'fifty shades of grey' book.

   I drink coffee to get up, and beer to get down.

   To all the scientists who were a part of 40 yrs of finding God Particle- Congrats! A Gr8 day for science. Isn't it? BUT the question still remains- Where is the Goddamn calorie-free Beer!

   Bushes make me nervous. I always worry a naked man will emerge from one asking for toilet paper.

   If loving you is wrong, I have probably loved you.

   I had formed an opinion of this Lazy Guy, and then I thought, until I have walked a mile in his shoes, so I did! Now I know he's Lazy and has Athlete's Foot!!!

   I dont wanna masturbate tonight so please, nobody mentions Betty White to me.

   I'd kiss you right now but my breath would make you instantly drunk!

   I can't fall asleep right now, I'm too busy counting how many hours of sleep I will get if I fall asleep right now.

   when people ask....I tell them I been sober for 21 years.

   secretly happy the heatwave killed my lawn..does that make me a no-mow

   That scary feeling when you realize your kid is bigger than you