Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   KIDS trust me when I say this: you are NOT missing out on anything if you were to take a nap.

   I think the NBA players should wear bubba teeth instead of mouth pieces.....talk about a poster.

   This pill was laying on the seat on the ferry...should I take it?

   At this point, group photos of Aerosmith are indistinguishable from publicity stills for a roadshow of "Cats"

   Wondering when someones gonna to tell America's Funniest Videos about Youtube...

   The little chocolate ice-cream part at the end of a vanilla ice-cream cone is what I call a 'happy ending'.

   I really think you should change your mind. The one you have now SUCKS!

   Happy Baby Daddy Day to all the guys that forgot to wear a condom.

   Happy Ugly Father's day tie, day!

   Precision. Concentration. Patience. Fearlessness. Four skills I possess while shaving my nuts that I wish I could apply to other aspects of my life.

   Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest thing I'll ever get to being a damn magician.

   I'm not into bestiality but sometimes I want to have sex with Sarah Jessica Parker.

   It's been a while,,,,, Has Bono EVER found,,,, What he's looking for?

   A homeless man is just a hardcore camper.

   You just don't just come into someones life, make them care and then just leave.

   Camel Toe Contest..... My place...

   Some of life's best lessons are learned while watching your drunk friends.

   Tonight's weather: TROPICAL DEPRESSION FROM MIAMI HEADING TO CLEVELAND....

   I won't protect you, but I will lay in bed next to you telling you what I think is making those freaky noises.

   "You must behave yourself when you are in the presence of a lady" - me talking to my d!ck