Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey alcohol and aspirin companies... Have you two met each other? Team up all ready and make that sh*t happen! Sincerely, Hungover as hell!

   oh hey Sobriety! no thanks, it's Saturday! Maybe you'll have better luck on Monday...

   You don't need reasons to kill people, you need opportunities.

   Would you like your disappointment on the rocks?

   Today is Flag Day...Where can I plant mine?:)

   My ex called me today. I told her she was on my mind a lot today. She thought it was sweet, really though it's trash day here.

   Don't go out there alone... Take this status update with you.

   KIDS trust me when I say this: you are NOT missing out on anything if you were to take a nap.

   I think the NBA players should wear bubba teeth instead of mouth pieces.....talk about a poster.

   This pill was laying on the seat on the ferry...should I take it?

   At this point, group photos of Aerosmith are indistinguishable from publicity stills for a roadshow of "Cats"

   Wondering when someones gonna to tell America's Funniest Videos about Youtube...

   The little chocolate ice-cream part at the end of a vanilla ice-cream cone is what I call a 'happy ending'.

   I really think you should change your mind. The one you have now SUCKS!

   Happy Baby Daddy Day to all the guys that forgot to wear a condom.

   Happy Ugly Father's day tie, day!

   Precision. Concentration. Patience. Fearlessness. Four skills I possess while shaving my nuts that I wish I could apply to other aspects of my life.

   Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest thing I'll ever get to being a damn magician.

   I'm not into bestiality but sometimes I want to have sex with Sarah Jessica Parker.

   It's been a while,,,,, Has Bono EVER found,,,, What he's looking for?