Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When the fake-thunder sound effect goes off in the produce section, I know it's time to urinate on the lettuce.

   go into a crowded room, shout, "HOW COULD YOU CHEAT ON ME?" whoever turns around and answers is a bad person.

   I hate it when foreign numbers call my cell asking: "Hi, who is this??" ...You're the one that frickin called, why don't you tell me?

   Deny,Deny,Deny..If they aint got pictures,they aint got sh*t!

   "You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that" Sincerely your Ex

   Steven Tyler singing the national anthem proves he needs a band behind him....he cannot sing.

   Kristen Chenoweth, an actress........way better than Steven Tyler, a "singer".

   Watching American Idol and I was really hoping that first girl could sing.

   Tweeted ten different puns hoping atleast one would get a Retweet. Alas, no pun in ten did

   has no problem GETTING it together, I just can't KEEP it together

   wondering if the dude who went postal back in the day went through the same crap I'm going through today...

   Tragedy strikes Honah Lee, Puff the Magic Dragon was found dead by the sea. Not a good start to the year of the dragon.

   After years of being called 'behind the times', I've finally got a trendy haircut. Just check out my profile pic on MySpace, losers! (

   I gave this guy a sausage and he traded me a seabird... It was then I realized I had taken a tern for the wurst.

   FB is turning to be Bravo TV of the internet- too much drama and cat fights!!

   Hey Merriweather, since you're ducking Pacquiao you can fight O.J. now!!! Inmate!

   Told my son to break up with his cross-eyed girlfriend, I think she was seeing someone else.

   “Get off my balcony!!” — What my neighbor used to say to pigeons. Sometimes to me.

   Okay....who's responsible for my "poke" finger smelling funny?

   Name a dead game show host best known for kissing every woman who appeared on the show. Survey says?