Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you use the word "chillaxin" your automatically a cornball in my book.

   if I took a drink every time Musburger said "Honey Badger", I would have passed out in the 3rd quarter.

   The way to a man's heart is about eight inches inside of anything.

   I was touched by an angel, inappropriately.

   I just clicked to go to games and got this message from Facebook; The server found your request confusing and isn't sure how to proceed.

   why is it when you go to a restaurant their radio is never playing the song "ding, fries are done" from family guy?...seems like a catchy tune for a restaurant

   You know.. Ive lost so many guy friends by askin a simple question.." Do you have twitter?"

   Here's a good way to find out if your mission on earth is complete: if your alive, it isn't.

   I grew up with six sisters. That's how I learned to dance - waiting to get into the bathroom.

   Damn, you look better than ever. LOL JK, you've been hittin up McDonalds lately, right?

   Sh!t happens. Just flush the toilet and move on...!

   Someone stole my wife identity and her credit score went up. Even they couldn't spend that much.

   That moment when you get closer and the automatic door hasn't opened yet.

   If there is a good chance your son will go to prison as an adult , don't name him Vivian .

   Im not fat at all, I just enjoy washing dishes in my belly button

   I'm wearing my pants today at half mast....are you??

   celebrating MLK day by drinking MILK and eatin' some cookies...

   I hate it when feelings get in the way of smart decisions.

   IDKFA! <---if you remember what this did then your unstoppable

   I hate to admit it, but I've got a serious drinking problem. I don't have any more money to buy liquor.