Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Boy: I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortably seated. Girl: So what do you do? . Boy:I close my eyes and sleep :) :p

   A chick who ask 4 nothin will get Everything.. A chick who ask for Everything will get NOTHIN!! #Attitude-IS-everything -

   Hold on, I'm trying to give a f!ck

   I think my DVR caught a virus or STD, somehow it recorded Jersey Shore on its own and wont allow me to delete 'em

   You gotta hump a few clunkers before you can fondle a ferrari.

   Driving through rural Oklahoma in the AM trying to make it home quick to the kids. I'm a country song right now.

   Good friends will bail you out of jail. Best friends will be sitting in the cell with you, laughing about how awesome that just was.

   if you use the word "chillaxin" your automatically a cornball in my book.

   if I took a drink every time Musburger said "Honey Badger", I would have passed out in the 3rd quarter.

   The way to a man's heart is about eight inches inside of anything.

   I was touched by an angel, inappropriately.

   I just clicked to go to games and got this message from Facebook; The server found your request confusing and isn't sure how to proceed.

   why is it when you go to a restaurant their radio is never playing the song "ding, fries are done" from family guy?...seems like a catchy tune for a restaurant

   You know.. Ive lost so many guy friends by askin a simple question.." Do you have twitter?"

   Here's a good way to find out if your mission on earth is complete: if your alive, it isn't.

   I grew up with six sisters. That's how I learned to dance - waiting to get into the bathroom.

   Damn, you look better than ever. LOL JK, you've been hittin up McDonalds lately, right?

   Sh!t happens. Just flush the toilet and move on...!

   Someone stole my wife identity and her credit score went up. Even they couldn't spend that much.

   That moment when you get closer and the automatic door hasn't opened yet.