Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There needs to be a class on how to take a mirror photo without looking at your phone, because apparently it's an issue for a lot of you.

   NEWS FLASH: The Bush's baked beans dog finally speaks out, says dogs actually hate Sarah McLachlan.

   "I'm not mad." - My wife when she's mad,,, Well,, actually EVERY woman when she's mad

   Wife: My gynecologist says I can't have sex for two weeks. Husband: What did your dentist say?

   When the air hostess stops smiling and sits down, then you know it's about to go down.

   Ladies. Want to know if you're pretty? If a male cop has ever given you a ticket, then no, you're not.

   when I grew up, no one chased their dogs to pick up their crap, we waited until it turned to white powder and disappeared

   would like to thank all the micro-brewerys out there for making my alcoholism appear to be no more than a fun hobby

   if Draw Something is any indication of this country's intelligence..we are in BIG trouble

   Jury duty on Monday...That in itself is a joke.

   May the 4th be with you for tommorow is the Revenge of the 5th

   Took a whole week for my neighbor who only watches the Discovery Channel to realize thieves had replaced his TV with an aquarium.

   an idiot!!! there... happy now? thanks for all of your anonymous contributions too.

   Ok ok ok, I actually searched for "local wheelchair sex" on Yahoo. To be fair though, it did give me an invalid address....

   I'm 99.9999% sure you're not in love with me, but it's that 0.0001% that gives me hope and keeps me holding on.

   I dropped my M&M's down the loo as I flushed. It was like a mini nascar race.

   Irony: People complaining on Facebook one day about their problems and the next day telling people to mind their own business.

   It's hard to romance the woman of your dreams when you are her worst nightmare.

   concentrate on fixing your own heterosexual marriage before you lecture on what's wrong with their relationship

   I got 99 problims and speling aint won of thim.