Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   mustaches are great, but when you shave them suddenly, clearly your lip is fugly

   The best thing about a german shepherd is after he kills someone, he dismembers and...buries them. all by himself..no muss no fuss. good boy

   told by his girlfriend that she dreamt I was going to give her a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. She asked me what this meant and I told her she'll know via my present that evening. She didn't enjoy the "What dreams mean" book I gave her for V day!

   whenever I want to stop an aggressive salesman, I just interrupt his spiel and ask, "Yes, but does it work on cats?"

   called your boyfriend gay, and he marked up my car with lipstick.

   Yes I would like to receive special offers via e-mail. That way I can forward them to my friends and piss them off.

   There has to be a way to combine Full Metal Jousting and driving. Bet I wouldn't get cut off anymore.

   I'm fine with it raining cats and dogs as long as it doesn't reindeer

   presidents day is for reflecting on our forefathers and accomplishments by great men..or drink the day away thanks to our current recession

   pretty sad that the only thing that goes down on you is your bank balance

   Everyone is perfectly normal until they stumble upon Facebook or Twitter.

   What's that thing that's like Photoshop except way easier to use and it's for real life? Oh yeah, vodka.

   Etc. – used to make people think you know more about a subject than you actually do!

   You don't have to own a horse to know what not to put in it!

   Typos are like pregnancies... miss a period and it changes everything.

   I find it very ironic that I have to get out of bed on Humpday.

   I'm also thinking about making a condom made of all bubble wrap...I can go from pop...pop...pop...to poppoppoppop

   You sound worse trying to hold a sneeze in and letting out a weak wimper rather than AAAAHHHCHOOOO YEAH!

   "Would you like some tea?"..... "No".... ANARCHY IN THE UK

   Don't tell me about how you "dressed up" your baby for a special occasion. If you're wearing something you can sh!t in you aren't dressed up.