Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the only kind of job available these days is a hand job

   tonight I'm gonna party like it's $19.99 (recession joke).

   A man is a man all of his life but a woman is only sexy until shes your wife. - A.Bundy -

   a new hobby!! I go to the “One Million Mom's” FB page just to post that I'm going to JCPenny!

   People joke about Bieber Fever. Don't. Sigourney Weaver Fever killed my father.

   Let's go back in time and give Baby Hitler a pony. Then World War II will be about Germany giving free candy to France and Poland.

   Best part of being a grown-up? You can eat ice cream whenever you want!

   you know your scared when you lose track of a spider and become a victim in your own home...

   I wanted to send you something Romantic for Valentines, but the mailman told me to get out of the mailbox.

   First they put safety features on circular saws; next we'll be forced to wear seat belts to run our blenders.

   Just had my Valentine's day card off Moonpig... She hates it when I call her that.

   to the person copying and rewording jokes from sickipedia dot org your not making them anymore funny

   The new weight loss plan from Apple makes me feel stupid. Anyone else feel this way with iDiot?

   this is getting outta hand. I wake up, turn my TV to the Playboy Channel, and even 'THEY'RE' talking about Jeremy Lin. WTF???

   wonders when child abuse became television entertainment..oh wait, its called dance moms..oh, ok then

   great day, everyone stared at my ass....then I found out I had a cheerio stuck right where my hole would be

   What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

   Can you smell that? That's fresh-brewed coffee mixed with Friday...delicious!

   The Yankees reportedly traded AJ Burnett for 7 dirty used baseballs, a pack of big league chew, half eaten pack of sun flower seeds and Prince Fielders jock strap, the yankees made out like bandits.

   Negative Thoughts + Negative People = Negative Life