Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Always hide your liquor from your boss, that way you never have to worry about...sharing.

   Whenever I want a Klondike bar I just pay for it

   Rooney to move to arsenal? With that face, arsenal must be really willing to give up that beautiful football.

   "Bellichek, why hast thou foresaken reason & signed Tebow?" — Jesus

   Heritage For The Blind wants me to donate my old car to them. FUNK THAT! We have enought people that can't drive that can see why the hell would I want a blind person driving.

   When I come to that fork in the road, I use it to eat my cake.

   They see me T R O L L I N G...

   Few things are as sexy as having that girl you like stroke your beard.

   I'm of the impression that women have mood swings... Some women on other hand have Mood Theme Parks and they carry their baggage with them the entire way!

   For Father's Day, I just want to wear my Crocs and Ed Hardy shirt and still be loved.

   Someone accused me of stealing his status that I stole from someone else... awkward!

   "It's okay." - Women, right before they spend 5hrs telling you why it isn't ok.

   I always start my day off with SNAP, CRACKLE, POP

   All I really want is for my self destruction to be televised during "Prime Time".

   Albertans living near High River experiencing unexpected flood. Seriously? You live on High River and a flood is a surprise? In related news residents of Hell unprepared for latest heat wave.

   Police reports state that Aaron Hernandez is claiming Bill Belichick instructed him to destroy the surveillance tapes

   "Yesterdays history, tomorrows a mystery, and today is Friday"

   Satan works in mysterious ways, Pitbul’s music for example.

   Facebook status from God: Sorry rest of World...junior and I can't help you right now...we are busy helping some loon cross the Grand Canyon on a piece of floss

   i'd like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they're working on now