Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Few things are as sexy as having that girl you like stroke your beard.

   I'm of the impression that women have mood swings... Some women on other hand have Mood Theme Parks and they carry their baggage with them the entire way!

   For Father's Day, I just want to wear my Crocs and Ed Hardy shirt and still be loved.

   Someone accused me of stealing his status that I stole from someone else... awkward!

   "It's okay." - Women, right before they spend 5hrs telling you why it isn't ok.

   I always start my day off with SNAP, CRACKLE, POP

   All I really want is for my self destruction to be televised during "Prime Time".

   Albertans living near High River experiencing unexpected flood. Seriously? You live on High River and a flood is a surprise? In related news residents of Hell unprepared for latest heat wave.

   Police reports state that Aaron Hernandez is claiming Bill Belichick instructed him to destroy the surveillance tapes

   "Yesterdays history, tomorrows a mystery, and today is Friday"

   Satan works in mysterious ways, Pitbul’s music for example.

   Facebook status from God: Sorry rest of World...junior and I can't help you right now...we are busy helping some loon cross the Grand Canyon on a piece of floss

   i'd like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they're working on now

   I have the uncanny ability to look at a pretty girl RIGHT when she decides to pick her nose.

   The difference between a girls track team and a group of pygmy lawyers is.....The lawyers are cunning runts!

   Oh, I see. Now I'm supposed to recruit a bunch of people to move gigantic limestone blocks. This is starting to sound like a pyramid scheme.

   I argue with myself sometimes. Just for the make-up sex.

   ‎"Don't judge me" means "read my Facebook profile but don't look at the pictures."

   Buy one beer for the price of two and receive a second beer ABSOLUTELY FREE!

   For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.