Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How dare you not notice me ignoring you. - women.

   If there is anything to be gained this year, I hope it's not weight.

   I don't have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude, and that's not my problem.

   I like big books and I can not lie.

   I really want to get an iPad mini, so that at night when I'm alone and I'm feeling worthless, I can say to myself: "but I have an iPad!" and then I"ll feel better.

   Lance Armstrong probably didn't have the balls to admit he was using drugs

   Planning to take my relationship to the next level this Valentine's day but I couldn't find a store that sells wedding rings for cats!

   got diagnosed with 12 different mental disorders. my day in a nutshell

   Tarantino sounds like a brand of frozen pizzas

   I just got out of bed and decided I'd trim that annoying hair on my eyebrow that kept getting in my eye last night... Now I have half an eyebrow

   The human eye can distinguish between ten million different colours. But can my wife tell the difference between red and green? Four hundred quid for a new bumper says no....

   My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance

   I'm pretty sure my mailman isn't on the juice...

   Manti T'eo just emailed me about some Nigerian money he needs some help with...

   taking away a GUN from an American is like taking away a Baguette from a French

   To eat or not to eat a Tesco burger? That is equestrian.

   If at first you don't succeed... Who am I kidding you never did anything right. You came out backwards and have been screwing up ever since.

   Manti Teo's story will be airing on Lifetime and Syfi Channel

   FarmersOnly.com. Now there's an alternative to Ancestry.com to meet your cousin

   It's true. Girls just want to have fun. And ruin your life in the process.