Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   got diagnosed with 12 different mental disorders. my day in a nutshell

   Tarantino sounds like a brand of frozen pizzas

   I just got out of bed and decided I'd trim that annoying hair on my eyebrow that kept getting in my eye last night... Now I have half an eyebrow

   The human eye can distinguish between ten million different colours. But can my wife tell the difference between red and green? Four hundred quid for a new bumper says no....

   My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance

   I'm pretty sure my mailman isn't on the juice...

   Manti T'eo just emailed me about some Nigerian money he needs some help with...

   taking away a GUN from an American is like taking away a Baguette from a French

   To eat or not to eat a Tesco burger? That is equestrian.

   If at first you don't succeed... Who am I kidding you never did anything right. You came out backwards and have been screwing up ever since.

   Manti Teo's story will be airing on Lifetime and Syfi Channel

   FarmersOnly.com. Now there's an alternative to Ancestry.com to meet your cousin

   It's true. Girls just want to have fun. And ruin your life in the process.

   How does Justin Bieber have almost 33 million followers? It's gotta be vag pics, because she isn't even remotely funny.

   who pays for the electric bill for light at the end of the tunnel??

   I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.

   Okay "beautiful" girls...be as narcissistic as you wish, yet remember, there was someone named Marilyn Monroe. And I promise you, you do not measure up.

   Sometimes I like to go to the dealership, slip into a pair of smart cars and roller skate around the parking lot for three hours.

   I've recently purchased a hand held blow horn to use on drivers who text and drive. So far I have converted four drivers into pedestrians who now walk an text.

   It gives me collywobbles to admit this but most of what I post is purely flibbertigibbet. It's not that I think you to be a gobemouche, i'm just a pettifogger and a slangwanger. I'm not a snollygoster, I just love to bloviate. Thanks for understanding!