Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   boy, the day flys by when you do something you love. Like sleep till Noon...

   I remember 2012 like it was yesterday…

   I can't believe it's already January 2nd. I mean really, where has the year gone?

   Hey, After dealing with my ex for as long as I have these Ikea instructions are a piece of cake...

   God grant me the serenity not to beat the holy living bajeezus out of those who piss me off and the wisdom to know this will make a funny story later.

   As if the world didn't have enough Kardashian genetic material already.

   ''Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger, but she havin' ma' baby. Now I ain't sayin' she a ho either, but we ain't married.''

   My girlfriend gave me a lift in her car. I said I can smell something, I think you're burning oil... ...she said that can't be I haven't put any oil in it!

   I should just change my name to "Han" because it looks like I'm gonna stay solo *forever alone*

   Why is it called common sense? it should be called sense because it's not that common any more

   "No, no no. Not you two.. I need you two to stay here and man the fort." ~ Noah to his Wooly Mammoths

   Beauty is directly correlated to 3D...Darkness, Distance, and Drunkedness.

   I will always be there for you if you never need me.

   I’m just waiting for you to be rich and famous so I can still not like you.

   Not being able to afford braces was cool, cuz now I can floss with my thumb.

   Disappointed that Bruno Mars looks exactly like us for someone who comes from another planet.

   Soon there will be a lot of deadbeat dads trying 2 make up for lost time by “Liking” their grown kid’s Facebook updates.

   I'm so good at sleep, I can do it with my eyes closed...

   When I stay at a woman's house that I want to see again I always "accidentally" lose something there like my phone, my hat, or my dignity.

   Arguments started and relationships ended by a simple "Like" on Facebook.