Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend gave me a lift in her car. I said I can smell something, I think you're burning oil... ...she said that can't be I haven't put any oil in it!

   I should just change my name to "Han" because it looks like I'm gonna stay solo *forever alone*

   Why is it called common sense? it should be called sense because it's not that common any more

   "No, no no. Not you two.. I need you two to stay here and man the fort." ~ Noah to his Wooly Mammoths

   Beauty is directly correlated to 3D...Darkness, Distance, and Drunkedness.

   I will always be there for you if you never need me.

   I’m just waiting for you to be rich and famous so I can still not like you.

   Not being able to afford braces was cool, cuz now I can floss with my thumb.

   Disappointed that Bruno Mars looks exactly like us for someone who comes from another planet.

   Soon there will be a lot of deadbeat dads trying 2 make up for lost time by “Liking” their grown kid’s Facebook updates.

   I'm so good at sleep, I can do it with my eyes closed...

   When I stay at a woman's house that I want to see again I always "accidentally" lose something there like my phone, my hat, or my dignity.

   Arguments started and relationships ended by a simple "Like" on Facebook.

   How dare you not notice me ignoring you. - women.

   If there is anything to be gained this year, I hope it's not weight.

   I don't have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude, and that's not my problem.

   I like big books and I can not lie.

   I really want to get an iPad mini, so that at night when I'm alone and I'm feeling worthless, I can say to myself: "but I have an iPad!" and then I"ll feel better.

   Lance Armstrong probably didn't have the balls to admit he was using drugs

   Planning to take my relationship to the next level this Valentine's day but I couldn't find a store that sells wedding rings for cats!