Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So drunk I am eating spaghetti with a comb.

   At the movies now... Frankenweenie, Fun Size, and Here Comes the Boom. Sounds like a typical weekend in college.

   I think whoever names the hurricanes should start using villain names, how cool would Hurricane Vader sound?

   onions $2.98, wooden sticks $3.50, cellophane $5.00 handing out caramel covered onions for halloween priceless

   The reason it's called Mother Nature is because if it were Father Nature the weather would be a lot more predictable

   I was just told I'm someones BFF. Being the idiot I am, I had to google it. Backup-file Format is a euphemism for something hot right?

   Girls during Halloween have Definitely made new meaning to Trick. Or Treat...

   Finally - there is going to be a Disney Princess dad's won't have to be ashamed to admit they like... Princess Liea.

   what do you expect from a species that quotes Marilyn Monroe?

   C0ndoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

   You better believe it's true love, if first thing I want to do in morning is kiss you without waiting for you brush your teeth.

   It took me 20 years to figure out that pop tarts taste better in the toaster. It was truly a life changing experience.

   I just taught my alarm clock how to fly.

   You're really good at forgetting that I exist.

   I spend 90% of my day either eating or thinking about my next meal.

   I like girl shaped things.

   It's going to hard to get out and vote if I have to keep answering phone calls from people urging me to get out and vote.

   I'm so poor this week that if someone were to try to rob me they would laugh and give me money.

   Jokingly told this girl on our first date last night that I had a realy big D and she responded no problem i've had plenty of Big Ones before ! And now I'm sad ! :o( Fail

   I don't exercise to be healthy. I exercise to look sexy af naked!