Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only thing that I do well during sex is provide disappointment.

   The average annual income of a U.S. prostitute is $290,000. Seems the only time getting screwed pays is when you are a hooker.

   The ladder to success sure does have a lot of p enises on it.

   Before you start telling people lies, make sure they don't already know the truth. Lest you make a fool of yourself.

   Face down, ass up, skip yoga, chase the icecream truck.

   Tell me everything but dont use words.

   Sorry I haven't been around much guys. Been out having sex and doing things. Minus the sex and things

   So drunk I am eating spaghetti with a comb.

   At the movies now... Frankenweenie, Fun Size, and Here Comes the Boom. Sounds like a typical weekend in college.

   I think whoever names the hurricanes should start using villain names, how cool would Hurricane Vader sound?

   onions $2.98, wooden sticks $3.50, cellophane $5.00 handing out caramel covered onions for halloween priceless

   The reason it's called Mother Nature is because if it were Father Nature the weather would be a lot more predictable

   I was just told I'm someones BFF. Being the idiot I am, I had to google it. Backup-file Format is a euphemism for something hot right?

   Girls during Halloween have Definitely made new meaning to Trick. Or Treat...

   Finally - there is going to be a Disney Princess dad's won't have to be ashamed to admit they like... Princess Liea.

   what do you expect from a species that quotes Marilyn Monroe?

   C0ndoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

   You better believe it's true love, if first thing I want to do in morning is kiss you without waiting for you brush your teeth.

   It took me 20 years to figure out that pop tarts taste better in the toaster. It was truly a life changing experience.

   I just taught my alarm clock how to fly.