Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm asian but not "love you long time" asian. More like "love you for 10 min, roll over, and go to bed" asian.

   Momma left strict instructions to knock you out

   The tax revenue from Michael Moore would make a serious dent in the federal deficit.

   "Mom, why do girls rule and boys drool" "Well, dear.... there are these things called boobs"

   Hit the gym today with my car.

   Sam Smith is a chubby Rick Astley!

   Think someone is pitching "Keeping up with Kanye"? What a Deutche

   My life is like a box of chocolates. Only fat people want me.

   I stopped feeling sorry for myself a long time ago. Now I just feel sorry for the people who have to deal with me.

   People who know me well know that I like to think outside the box. Mostly because I'm claustrophobic and can't concentrate when I am stuck inside a box and overwhelmed with panic.

   I told my boyfriend he needs professional help. He hired a prostitute.... well played.

   Stupid cats stealing all our women.

   A special place in hell just for me? Aww you shouldn't have.

   I would never survive a real job because I dont like being told when I can eat lunch...

   So where do I go to trade my husband in for 6 cats?

   My master plan is just a Post-it note that says “drink more.”

   Im going to find that groundhog and kill him. ...

   Hi, and welcome to Necrophiliac Club. Now who wants a cold one?

   I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.

   When my parents told me to make something of myself, I don't think a mockery is what they had in mind.