Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I knew this was going to be good stuff.

   So your saying there is no crying in Flirting? That sure explains a lot!

   If you didn't go to my sporting events growing up,,,,,, you're dad to me.

   Tempted to change my name on Facebook to Benefits so when someone adds me it will say "You are now friends with Benefits."

   Too young for marriage, but too old for games.

   I see you're unhappily married. Yes, please, take your anger out on happy single people.

   G.I.R.L on the Internet is 'Guy In Real Life.'

   Zimmerman and OJ Simpson should fight to death. Gun vs Knife.

   Facebook is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.

   Psychic Sylvia Browne has died...... You think she saw it coming?

   [insert status unrelated to Sylvia Browne foreseeing her death here]

   Before you judge me for being drunk at 2:30PM on my day off, stumble a few blocks to another bar in my shoes.

   Relationship status: managing to hold this girl's prosthetic hand on the train without her noticing yet.

   I cant wait till black friday at the liquor store

   I pulled over to pick up a one legged hitchhiker. I told him to hop in.

   Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we're hopeful.

   It's Saturday night, which means I am higher than the national debt.

   Just thinking about going to the gym burns between 0 and 0 calories.

   Chivalry isn't dead, but it did take an elbow to the ribs when I tried opening the door for that butch looking chick.

   If you ask your new GF for a sandwich and she brings you Oreos, she's a keeper!!