Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm sorry for ruining your life & turned you off to men forever, but please accept this cat as a parting gift. - Me after every first date

   Why do married people hate seeing happy single people? Please stop trying to fix me up with your friends.

   Oh Nothing. Just over here choking on dinner, fighting death like it's my job.

   I'm just doing my thing, which is kinda like your thing, but better.

   If someone toilet papered my house tonight tht would be great because we're out of toilet paper

   It seems all the girls in my school decided to go as a 21 yr old with low self esteem and daddy issues. Must have been weird for them to all have the same costume on

   Yes, tell me about the time you were cool. I love fiction.

   The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I knew this was going to be good stuff.

   So your saying there is no crying in Flirting? That sure explains a lot!

   If you didn't go to my sporting events growing up,,,,,, you're dad to me.

   Tempted to change my name on Facebook to Benefits so when someone adds me it will say "You are now friends with Benefits."

   Too young for marriage, but too old for games.

   I see you're unhappily married. Yes, please, take your anger out on happy single people.

   G.I.R.L on the Internet is 'Guy In Real Life.'

   Zimmerman and OJ Simpson should fight to death. Gun vs Knife.

   Facebook is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.

   Psychic Sylvia Browne has died...... You think she saw it coming?

   [insert status unrelated to Sylvia Browne foreseeing her death here]

   Before you judge me for being drunk at 2:30PM on my day off, stumble a few blocks to another bar in my shoes.

   Relationship status: managing to hold this girl's prosthetic hand on the train without her noticing yet.