Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A joyous Festivus to all! May your strength prevail and grievances be few.

   I prefer to use the bathroom naked w/ the door wide open. Sorry if this interferes with your idea of a "safe & fun work environment" Kathy.

   Merry Christmas. ..ya filthy animal.

   Marriage ain't a bed of roses. Nothing explains this statement than a man spending the night on the couch /o\

   Spending the night sleeping on the couch with the dog isn't so bad. It sort of reminds me of camping out.

   Men who cry about being single, cry even louder after getting married !!

   Why drown in love, when you can swim in lust ?

   just read that drug sniffing dogs get treats when they find drugs. we're just creating more addicts, you guys

   Between the blue corn tortilla chips, spinach dip, and salsa....I've been crapp*ng out Christmas colors for the past three days.

   Some women cook salt with a bit of food in it.

   I always imagine women have sex like they dance, This is why Line Dancing is so disturbing to me.

   I am not the kind of guy to offer to buy a girl some drinks at the bar, I am the kind to offer to buy her some decent clothes.

   I spend 90% of my salary on my hobbies. The rest I waste.

   I remember 2013 like it was yesterday.

   If I get their attention negative or positive I accomplished my intent...

   Starting the year off right!! Fried chicken, French fries more fried chicken and a fried gym membership.

   My liver is so black it goes to church on Sunday for 6 hours.

   I'm taking my girl to a Psychologist/Gynecologist. Maybe he's the one who can finally help her understand why she's such a ¢unt.

   Fellas; A girl without a hobby is a girl who will make a hobby of destroying your life.

   People without profile pictures are terrorists.