Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only reason the term 'Ladies first' was invented was for the guy to check out the women's ass.

   So my drug dealer got me these new shoes. And I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

   What if Peter Parker had gotten bit by a radioactive beaver?

   Fun Prank Idea: Put Kool-Aid in your friend's shower head. Then, when he or she gets in the shower, set their house on fire.

   To those of you still mourning the losses of Prince, David Bowie, and the guy from The Eagles, it's okay. You still have Nickelback.

   Joined a gym halfway between work and home, just so I'd have a locker to store snacks in.

   I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling - I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

   I worry about ridiculous things. You know, how does a guy who drives a snow plough get to work in the morning? That can keep me awake for days.

   Ozzy should not have forgotten to tell Sharon Happy Mothers day

   There's this one really stupid cop that's been following me around flashing his lights ..... Doesn't the idiot notice all of the other people on this road driving the wrong way!!!! ...... Sheeeeesh

   Sticks and stones may brake my bones ... But names will never hurt me!! ..... Except SLUT ....... The word SLUT really hurts ...

   Cryogenics is nothing new. My landlord has been freezing our bodies every winter for years.

   Aren't drug dealers just street pharmacists and prostitutes just public wives?

   it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn't seem to think so.

   Pro Life really just means Pro Being Born... on your own after that.

   Under People you might know, Facebook has decided to put a bottle of vodka. Well Played FB, well played.

   I called 411 and asked the operator ''I'd like the number for Larry Smith in Silver Spring, Maryland. ''There are multiple listings for Larry Smith, Do you have a street name?'' I hesitated ''Well, uh some people call me Snake."''

   Had Chinese Food last night & my fortune cookie read, "Be not afraid to walk through the door of opportunity"; so I left the restaurant without paying.

   Firetrucks & ambulances would be much more effective if they were to replace that annoying siren with the song "Move" by Ludacris!

   I met an Indian guy today.. he does NOT work in IT.. mind blown.