Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I so want a restraining order on everyone who doesn't wear deodorant.

   Smooth jazz version of "In bloom" playing on KCRW right now. Somewhere Kurt Cobain is killing himself all over again.

   My "Stop Being Poor" shirt almost ended up in the Goodwill pile.

   Good news and bad news. The bad news first: McDonald's is down to their last pound of ground beef. The good news: That's good for another billion burgers.

   It's cute how any of you think you're in the tax bracket that will be affected.

   If I ever use "there" instead of "their" and "your" instead of "you're" in the same joke here, I've been kidnapped and am signalling for help....

   I played an April Fool's joke on my landlord by not paying rent....I am wondering if this eviction notice is the real deal.

   My plus-one for all weddings is the bartender at your wedding.

   Coworkers, let me know if you'd like to join me for lunch at my desk eating discounted Easter chocolate.

   What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Except for unicorns, unicorns can kill you.

   It turns out that using bowel grease is messier than using elbow grease. Damn dyslexia.

   Sorry you're an athiest and have no one to thank it's Friday.

   It’s prom time. One year, I had to take my cousin to the prom. I don’t know who was more embarrassed — him or me.

   My wife said she bought the lingerie from Victoria Secrets for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I don't get women.

   Tax day is just a few days away so get out there and check those dumpster and trash cans for receipts.

   Popularity allows you to live with others, but integrity lets you live with yourself.

   The Hardy Boys tackle their toughest mystery yet in, "F*cking Run, The Sun Exploded!"

   In honor of national siblings day... I wish I would have grown up with money instead of siblings. :)

   Actor Wendell Pierce announced he is investing in a $20 million Baltimore apartment complex that will offer homes to artists at a discounted rate. Why is this news if Kanye West and/or the Kardashians aren't involved in some way?

   I just assume a woman originally created fire because she was trying to scare away some prehistoric fuckboy who couldn't take a hint.