Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drink until the bottle is emptier than you.

   Do country music artists know about better music?

   Loves the Alerts app on my phone, it says: "OVER BUDGET....This month you spent $1,049.00 on Alcohol & Bars. This exceeds your budget of $20.00 by $1,029.00".

   Sesame Street: Say, Ernie, would you like some ice cream? Sherbert.

   I wonder how people used to receive their blessings before Facebook was invented for them to type AMEN and I RECEIVE

   I don't know about these Capital One commercials with Samuel L. Jackson. There's something about an angry bl@k m@n asking "What's in your wallet?" that scares me.

   "Best thing about prison, man, was crochet. I loved crochet" -- Man overheard on bus

   Carl Grimes could be the new mascot for the Oakland Raiders

   We are the granddaughters of the witches you weren't able to burn.

   This treadmill has no room for my milkshake or my pizza .. Lame design

   INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS: 1) Know when to hold em... 2) Know when to fold em... 3) Know when to walk away... 4) Know when to run.

   Has anyone else noticed that the sign "&" looks like a man dragging his butt across the floor?

   What?!?! When you miss someone's call but you call them back in 0.44735624 seconds and they don't answer.

   Guns don't kill people, Dads with pretty daughters kill people.

   96% of online doctors on websites say your good grammar is essential so they can properly diagnose your medical problem.

   That moment when you realize you might have made a mistake letting your 5 year old watch The Walking Dead....

   Fact: The universe is made up of protons, neutrons, electrons and morons.

   So it's Hump Day and it isn't raining or snowing, does that mean it's a Dry Hump Day?

   Yesterday I told my wife to embrace her mistakes. She cried and then she hugged me. FML.

   Jack Daniels gives you the courage to talk to attractive women, disables your genitals.