Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i am taking the pit bull and the points in the puppy bowl

   Old man Bernie Sanders looks like that guy down the block driving around luring kids in with promises of free candy...

   You ever in the mood to get hit by a car and spend 1 month in the hospital.

   I don't have a FitBit but every now and then I throw a $h!t-Fit.

   Monday mornings: I am learning to trust the journey, wait a sec...where is my freaking coffee?!?!

   It was the home of Buffalo Bill in "The Silence Of The Lambs." Now, nobody wants to live there. Heck, I wonder why....

   Google: You must be truly desperate to come to me for help.

   Bears: If people can read my thoughts, most people would think I'm the most evil person on this planet.

   Drink until the bottle is emptier than you.

   Do country music artists know about better music?

   Loves the Alerts app on my phone, it says: "OVER BUDGET....This month you spent $1,049.00 on Alcohol & Bars. This exceeds your budget of $20.00 by $1,029.00".

   Sesame Street: Say, Ernie, would you like some ice cream? Sherbert.

   I wonder how people used to receive their blessings before Facebook was invented for them to type AMEN and I RECEIVE

   I don't know about these Capital One commercials with Samuel L. Jackson. There's something about an angry bl@k m@n asking "What's in your wallet?" that scares me.

   "Best thing about prison, man, was crochet. I loved crochet" -- Man overheard on bus

   Carl Grimes could be the new mascot for the Oakland Raiders

   We are the granddaughters of the witches you weren't able to burn.

   This treadmill has no room for my milkshake or my pizza .. Lame design

   INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS: 1) Know when to hold em... 2) Know when to fold em... 3) Know when to walk away... 4) Know when to run.

   Has anyone else noticed that the sign "&" looks like a man dragging his butt across the floor?