Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shopping on the Total Wine website for some good wine, they have a lot of filter categories such as red/white, merlot/cabernet, california/italy, etc but the biggest one missing is Bottle/Box!!!!! Geez, What were they thinking.

   You're like the warm beer of people.

   I didn't know which one of my multiple personalities I wanted to be today, so I stayed home instead. . .

   People that ask if you're there yet are the reason why vibrat0rs exist

   Walking around Wal Mart with my left shoe off.

   *gay guy hits on me* ME: I'm straight. GAY GUY: So is spaghetti, until it's hot & wet. If any man gets to have me, it's this dude...

   I just want to hang out with some people whose asses I don't have to wipe. Is that too much to ask.?

   Have you ever been at the beach and looked at the face of a scantly-clad teenager and think; "Jail Bait." But than look at her body and wonder just how much jail time they are talking about?

   The World Cup is finally over. Now can we get back to watching fat men in ridiculous padding running around randomly?

   My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word 'unemployment'.

   Sorry, I only date crazy girls. If there's not a 50/50 chance I'll have to file a restraining order at some point plz don't waste my time.

   Sorry pal, I don't speak Affliction shirt...

   A woman that doesn't ask for nothing deserves everything

   If your shirt isn’t tucked into your pants, then your pants are tucked into your shirt.

   If you hold a beer glass to your ear, you hear joy.

   I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.

   People who eat fish tacos: You realize you can get tacos that don't have fish in them,,, right?

   *at my own wedding* Can I please stay in the car?

   blunt so fat it swims with a shirt on

   Icebergs started the whole "Just the tip" lie.