Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't wait to meet that special someone who I will eventually stop having sex with.

   Every once in a while you come across a tweet that makes you stop and wonder, if monkeys now also have tweeter accounts.

   Guys that try to pickup women on FaceBook are pathetic. Ladies if you agree DM me your number so we can talk about it...

   Every time I think I'm ready for a serious relationship again, I just remember that I like having sex

   Back in the 60's the pot called the kettle a different word.

   The Pope has excommunicated the Mafia? When will the internal struggles end within the Roman church. Can't they all just get along like the one big family that they are?

   I mean, who hasn't been in a drug deal gone bad?

   in other news...A TSA member was arrested today in Miami. When the HOmeland Security searched her house, aside from finding a px4 hand gun, some mariajana....they found a disney snowglobe fulled of a suspicious white powder!

   Chicken Omelette - a vendetta against the chicken race! Usually when a contract chicken killer who has it in for the chicken, to not only take out a hen's eggs, but to stuff it with chicken! 2 generations of chicken dead!

   You know when a friend says, "I thought of you the other day." And then smile so it looks like their whole face is smiling...I like that. I like that a lot.

   I wish I loved anything as much as women love telling other women "that's perfectly normal" without any medical training whatsoever.

   SILF - Sorry Liver Its Friday

   Your husband is a in a better place, Mrs. Smith. He's in the stomach of a shark now. How badass is that

   Shopping on the Total Wine website for some good wine, they have a lot of filter categories such as red/white, merlot/cabernet, california/italy, etc but the biggest one missing is Bottle/Box!!!!! Geez, What were they thinking.

   You're like the warm beer of people.

   I didn't know which one of my multiple personalities I wanted to be today, so I stayed home instead. . .

   People that ask if you're there yet are the reason why vibrat0rs exist

   Walking around Wal Mart with my left shoe off.

   *gay guy hits on me* ME: I'm straight. GAY GUY: So is spaghetti, until it's hot & wet. If any man gets to have me, it's this dude...

   I just want to hang out with some people whose asses I don't have to wipe. Is that too much to ask.?